I've never had one fall on me

This one really requires audio to do it justice, but oh well.

Jessie is this unfortunate soul who was born into a body too hideous for society to accept. She grew up across the street from my dad and still lives across from my grandparents. Apparently she was friends with my dad and his sisters until around middle school, when being a freakish mutant can be damaging to one's social standing.

So they stopped hanging out with her about 45 years ago. But she never got the hint. She still waddles over to my grandparents whenever she sees an extra car or two parked out front. Once I was parked out front of my grandparents with my girlfriend, making out at 11 o'clock at night when she comes shining a flashlight in on us. I think Ojo and Snake have had similar experiences.

Anyway, whenever she pops in on family occasions things get awkward because no one wants her there but everyone is too polite to tell her to go away. (Except for me, I just don't tell her because she's batshit crazy and I'm afraid tipping her the wrong direction could end with one or both of my grandparents being "hobbled".) Eventually she tires of the giant voids in the conversation her presence creates and leaves. Then the jokes start. My dad is by no means alone in the cruel humor directed at this poor wretch. Most of my aunts and uncles have a go, and my grandfather almost never misses a chance. If anything my dad is more tame than most in his zingers. But he always says her name this way, like a narrator revealing some unspeakable horror.

how can you sleep nights

One night my mom went out, leaving Ojo, me, and Snake with my dad for the night. It was a great night. We played Yahtzee and had Sara Lee pound cake with spray on whipped cream. Snake layed the whipped cream on pretty damn thick, making an eight-inch-tall spire of bleached corn syrupy goodness. My dad saw it start to tip over and called out "Tiiiimberrr!" For some reason we thought that was some funny shit. It doesn't seem that funny now, but that night remains one of my best memories with Dad.

fascinated by failure

As part of a wedding present from my mom to my then-fiance, my mom went through all the pictures she had of me, from age zero to present. My parents were visiting a couple years ago and my mom found the album she had given my wife. She started talking about how it felt going through all those old pictures. "I thought Dad was going to lay down and cry," she said, implying that my dad was so touched by memories of my youth that he was nigh overcome with emotion.
I think my dad was a little embarassed at this disclosure of his emotional state. So he replied with "Made me want to lay down and DIE." The implication of which I'm still not quite sure.

I'll have to admit that sounds logical

Again, in case there is some lingering doubt among those who don't know my dad -- direct quote. This one was actually said to Snake. I'm pretty sure it was after I was in college and had to do with taking out the garbage or some such petty chore. Perhaps Snake can fill in the details for us.

the proverbial clean slate

Another gem from the peak Port O'Connor days. I don't think this one came from a holiday weekend, but at age nine or so I wasn't always cataloging details correctly. Anyway, again, it's the end of the weekend and my family is left to clean up my grandparents' bay house after all the other families have left. My dad is putting beach shoes and the like in their place on the back porch and notices some kid's underwear on the ground. He picked it up and noticed an unexpected heft. He took a quick glance inside the underoos and confirmed his suspicion. Then, with a look of absolute disbelief, he turned to Ojo and said, "There's shit in there."

I've always thought that was a funny story, but as I got older I found it less amusing. Turns out those underoos belonged to my cousin JT who had some continence issues as a small kid when his parents were getting divorced. Kind of sucks that I wasn't more sensitive to that back then.

I couldn't deny it

More than any other I wish I had been present for this one. Unfortunately the only witness was one of my cousins (can't recall if it was Aterill or Le-ee). Whichever cousin it was was living with my parents while going to VC. Only she and my dad were home one day and my dad was doing some handyman work in the attic. I'm not sure if he was trying to repair some general electrical problem or messing with the air conditioner in some way, but the result was a shock and dimming of the lights followed by my dad silently backing down the attic ladder. He walked wordlessly past my cousin, sitting in fearful silence on the living room couch, to the kitchen telephone. He punched seven digits to ring up KB's dad (the owner of the company that installed the AC) and after a few seconds says, in a perfectly businesslike voice, "James, this is John. Me fucky-uppee." My cousin erupted in laughter. So do I every time I picture this.

more than just the least

Again, I wasn't personally present for this one. My brother Ojo has relayed the story of this quote on his blog, which draws its name from the same conversation as this quote. He mentions it here, but since his accursed blog lacks the basics of a search function and maintains only incomplete archives, you'll have to wait for his comment for the full story.