Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I've never had one fall on me

This one really requires audio to do it justice, but oh well.

Jessie is this unfortunate soul who was born into a body too hideous for society to accept. She grew up across the street from my dad and still lives across from my grandparents. Apparently she was friends with my dad and his sisters until around middle school, when being a freakish mutant can be damaging to one's social standing.

So they stopped hanging out with her about 45 years ago. But she never got the hint. She still waddles over to my grandparents whenever she sees an extra car or two parked out front. Once I was parked out front of my grandparents with my girlfriend, making out at 11 o'clock at night when she comes shining a flashlight in on us. I think Ojo and Snake have had similar experiences.

Anyway, whenever she pops in on family occasions things get awkward because no one wants her there but everyone is too polite to tell her to go away. (Except for me, I just don't tell her because she's batshit crazy and I'm afraid tipping her the wrong direction could end with one or both of my grandparents being "hobbled".) Eventually she tires of the giant voids in the conversation her presence creates and leaves. Then the jokes start. My dad is by no means alone in the cruel humor directed at this poor wretch. Most of my aunts and uncles have a go, and my grandfather almost never misses a chance. If anything my dad is more tame than most in his zingers. But he always says her name this way, like a narrator revealing some unspeakable horror.


Ojo Rojo said...

Do you have "Your mother is a saint" somewhere in the repertoire? That quote arose from a Jessie story. You know the one? Where Mom was engaged in a conversation, alone, with Jessie for over an hour. Mom is too kind to ignore her or give her the brush-off.

I truly feel sorry for Jessie. But once, concerning some stray dog that Pawpaw was taking care of, she bowed up on me. I was very close to shouting at her, "Know your place, wretch!!" But I just can't be outwardly cruel to her. I can't be nice to her either, or else I'll get stuck talking to her. I think maybe the best time of her life was once when we let her play Pictionary with us like ten years ago. Sad. And she really did bust me and a girlfriend "making out" in the driveway once. Bitch tried to be stealthy and sneak up to catch a peek. That heavy breathing 140 BMI bitch ain't sneaking up on anybody. I wanted to light her face on fire I was so pissed. But apparently her face has already been lit on fire and it was put out with an icepick.

Snake Diggity said...


Great one. I too pity Jessie, but not enough to talk to her or avoid making fun of her behind her back.

My favorite is Uncle Charlie's "Why don't you just tell Jessie to 'Fuck off!'?"

llogg said...

I remember that Pictionary game. It was pretty odd maintaining that level of tension for a whole round of pictionary. But the Mr. Gatti's pizza sure was good.

LMAO@Charlie, but it's easy to be brutal when you're a couple thousand miles away. I'm serious about worrying about her losing it and going Kathy Bates on her ass.

For the record, Kathy Bates would totally play Jessie in the Lifetime biopic of her.