Wednesday, May 6, 2009

for those not on my email list or on facebook

This goes out to the driver of the little yellow car, you know who you are ...

The Things I Would Do
by Llogg

Oh the things I would do
if I could find you
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
I would gouge out your eyes
with a grapefruit spoon,
Go for the jugular
but think, "No too soon."
I would gnaw through fascia
and tear out your spleen,
I would shove up your butt
a hamster named Dean.
I'd make you a trach tube,
insert with my thumb
After prepping the area
with wine from a bum.
Then I'd shit down your throat
in this brand new tube,
And sodomize you well
while using no lube.
I'd tear out your toenails
one by one by one;
But suppose I got bored
and thought "That's no fun."
I might cut out your tongue
but only the tip,
And then mock you like mad
because of your lithp;
As you plead for "Merthy!"
and cry out in pain,
But for you I'd have none
but purest disdain.
For you coward, you fraud,
you purulent cunt,
You just wrecked my new car
and then off you runned.
And so now I owe twice
what my car is worth
All thanks to your trimming
of its front-end girth.
Oh, the things I would do
If I could find you;
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
Alas, you are long gone
my car's fucked and worse -
I've got nothing but rage
and this page of verse.


Snake Diggity said...


Did you write that, or find it somewhere? It's fucking genius. LMAO!

Reminds me of that heroin-buying scene from Pulp Fiction

llogg said...

I wrote it. The vitriol had to go somewhere.

Ojo Rojo said...

So what's up with your insurance?

llogg said...

I think the insurance will be in place. So I'm only fucked for the deductible.

Snake Diggity said...

Dude, that is genius.

You know what the prose style reminds me of? Those opening poems Watterson wrote in all the Calvin and Hobbes collections. Except much dirtier and funnier. I doubt Bill Watterson has ever called someone a "pirulent cunt". LMAO!

llogg said...

I was going for a kind of Dr. Seuss vibe.

llogg said...

I take it you're pissed off.

I'm sorry the asshole got your car. If it makes you feel any better, whoever it is probably has enough problems to make your car damage look like a whiskey dent on a '83 Ford LTD II station wagon. It ain't right what happened, but it ain't nothin' REALLY important, it's just a thing.

Besides, it will make great small talk at social gatherings for the rest of your life."

That station wagon he's referencing is the reason I'll never own a green car.

Snake Diggity said...

"Whiskey dent" LMAO!

Ojo Rojo said...

"I take it you're pissed off."


roy said...

that's pretty good...and probably one of the healthiest ways to release anger that i can imagine.

i wish i could sit and listen to you tell this whole story in person b/c you would probably use insults/profanity i've never heard would be an education in how to hate.

sorry it happened, though. i guess it's probably not all that funny to you.