Wednesday, May 27, 2009

52 Odes to Vengeance

So, until my car got wrecked I didn't know what I could come up with another 52 posts about. Now I've got it. Every Wednesday for the next year there will be a new bit of vitriolic verse or pissed-off prose comemorating the asshole in the yellow car. Okay, maybe this will burn itself out before a year, but until I decide what I'm really going to do here, this will have to do. Today's is a re-tread just to get things kick-started.

The Things I Would Do

Oh, the things I would do
if I could find you
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
I would gouge out your eyes
with a grapefruit spoon,
Go for the jugular
but think, "No, too soon."
I would gnaw through fascia
and tear out your spleen,
I would shove up your butt
a hamster named Dean.
I'd make you a trach tube,
insert with my thumb
After prepping the area
with wine from a bum.
Then I'd shit down your throat
in this brand new tube,
And sodomize you well
while using no lube.
I'd tear out your toenails
one by one by one;
But suppose I got bored
and thought "That's no fun."
I might cut out your tongue
but only the tip,
And then mock you like mad
because of your lithp;
As you plead for "Merthy!"
and cry out in pain,
But for you I'd have none
but purest disdain.
For you coward, you fraud,
you purulent cunt,
You just wrecked my new car
and then off you runned.
And so now I owe twice
what my car is worth
All thanks to your trimming
of its front-end girth.
Oh, the things I would do
if I could find you;
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
Alas, you are long gone
my car's fucked and worse -
I'll get nothing but rage,
and this page of verse.


roy said...

that should be entertaining. hopefully (as wrong as it is to say) you don't lose any of that rage so you can stay inspired for a year.

good job on the last year of posts...funny stuff.

Snake Diggity said...

This poem is top 3 funniest things I've ever read.