Tuesday, May 22, 2012

We're only up to month four, people, it's going to be a long ride

Daddy’s first diaper change -OR- How Sweet Josephine Became Known as Sweet Exxon Valdez

| July 15th, 2005

Tuesday morning Sweet Josephine was in the hospital room with my wife and I and needed to have her diaper changed. I knew she needed her diaper changed because she contracted her entire 21 inches down to about 12 inches and grunted, releasing a funny little fart and a bad odor. Mom was in no shape to take on this task, so Dad jumped on the grenade and began to change the first diaper of what promises to be a long and illustrious career of diaper changing. Josephine is apparently a very sweet tempered baby. She did not scream or wail during the changing process. While I painstakingly swabbed her bottom with a washcloth, however, she did kick her feet — into, and out of, the steamy little black puddle in her now-open diaper.This resulted in flecks of meconium going everywhere. Sweet right? So I neutralize her little legs with one hand and use the other to continue swabbing. I get rid of the offending diaper. I continue wiping away, desperate to remove every speck of impurity from her perfect new skin. She farts. A little warning shot across the bow, if you will. I paid no heed and continued my wiping. Then the oil spill began. I swear she oozed soft black feces onto her clean blanket for a full minute or more. At least I prevented anymore poo-flinging with the feet, but damn I felt stupid. My friends, take heed, when a little girl farts in your face, it is no idle threat.
Might be my favorite post ever. Even my mom read that one.

2 comments:

M_Massie said...

lmao I love this :) and how true lol

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