I am what I was going to become.

I find myself, quite unexpectedly, at the cusp of middle age.  I am not old, yet, but there are things I could do in years past that I can do no longer.  Some things are best left behind.  I do not mourn, for instance, the ability to fight through the hangover wrought by the previous night's orange Mad Dog 20/20.  Nor do I mourn the fool that drank it.

Some things, however, I do miss.  Simple things.  Running far and fast without consequence.  Baseline fade-away jumpers.  Salsa without heartburn.

I miss the ability to read something once and own it forever.  I miss the openness to befriending a poor middle-aged black man who never had anything but a sweet stroke from 28 feet and a stern mother.  I miss not knowing what I would be when I grew up.

I do not know if I should regret the passing of certain things or rejoice in what has replaced them.  I admit I am nostalgic for my childhood, and yet I revel in my children.  I have pangs of yearning for the nights with Alejandro Escovedo, Del Castillo, and the woman who would become my wife.  And yet, I wear like a second skin the comfort of my quiet nights at home with my guitar, improvised lullabies, and the woman who has become the very spine that supports me and the legs that carry me forward. 

A stranger approached me at my grandmother's funeral recently and mentioned that she knew who I was because I stood throughout the service with my arms in a posture unique to my father.  As my grandfather sits in an ICU bed tonight, the world inches closer to the day when my father is no longer his father's son, but is instead my children's grandfather; when I am no longer the young man making his way, but am instead the man making way for his children; when my children no longer see my greatness, but see instead my mediocrity.

And that is my greatest regret.  I had opportunities for greatness thrust at me at every turn.  I was too meek, too stupid, or simply too average to grasp them.  But it is not the failure to achieve greatness that I regret.  It is the failure to recognize that the opportunities to do so were slipping away.  I did not choose mediocrity.  I simply failed to choose anything else.

So here I am.  I have grown up.  I stand like my father.  I may yet change, but my goals these days focus on refinement rather than metamorphosis.  The chrysalis has passed without my acknowledgment.  I am what I was going to become, and the thought leaves me on edge.

It's getting hot in hurr

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My thoughts exactly

It's like this guy is living inside my head.

listing

1. So my grandmother died, which sucked.  It did force me to go home for the first time since moving up here, which in turn led me to inquire about a position in my home town when I'm done with this fellowship.
2. Ultimately I don't think my wife would be happy with that so it won't happen, even though it means turning down almost $200,000 more than I'll make in the Metroplex.  Ridiculous.
3. I've been listening to the Traditional Country Hymns station on Pandora a lot recently.  I like classic hymns like Amazing Grace, and that station has them by Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Allison Kraus, and Ralph Stanley.
4. I've also been playing Amazing Grace on guitar and transcribing it into every key I can.  That limits it to major keys, of course, but still, playing it in E instead of D makes a big difference in the voicing of chords you can use.
5. I need to have words with my future colleagues about some things.  Their offer is below market value, but I agreed to it because I wanted to work with these people.  The problem is that now several unexpected expenses have cropped up, which puts our ability to buy a house in jeopardy.  I promised my wife a house when we moved back and they are going to have to make that possible.
6. Fuck the Texas Medical Board.  I paid $1000 to apply for a license, which as far as I can tell is the most expensive license application in the country.  It then takes them four months to process it.  Unacceptable, and it gets worse.  After processing and approving the application they let it be known that you have to pay almost another $1000 to "register" your license.  Ludicrous!
7. When I said I was giving up college football I should have said "college football message boards" to be more accurate.
8. Texas has seven eight commitments now for the 2013 class.  None of them are "reaches" exactly, but only a couple are the absolute best in state at their position.
  --  Jake Raulerson is either an amazing OT prospect or a pretty good DE prospect depending on how his body develops.  Let's all hope for the 35+ pounds he needs to be the former.  If he only makes it halfway no reason he couldn't make a nice TE.
  --  Tyrone Swoopes is a guy Mack clearly hopes will by VY reincarnate.  I'm not seeing it, but he's hardly a reach.  If Brewer pans out then the QB this year is a moot point anyway.
  --  Kyle Hicks at RB is meh.  He's probably the 3rd or 4th best RB in state this year.  Doesn't really matter, since RB is hardly a priority this year given the guys already on campus.
  --  Jake Oliver, a 6'4"/200# WR, is the best recruit the Horns have so far.
  --  Ricky Seals-Jones, a 6'5"/220# WR/TE is probably the second best recruit they have.  He plays QB in high school, and I'm not sure there's a clear difference between him and Swoopes there right now.  You should read that as I think Swoopes would be better at another position rather than RSJ should be Texas's QB of the future.  RSJ is also straight balling for his HS basketball team, averaging 30 and 10 per game.
  --  A'Shawn Robinson has the potential to be a great OT.  The problem is he wants to play DT.  He's a good example of the Texas coaches' new philosophy of getting good athletes on campus and then sorting out where they play.  One of those guys who shouldn't be able to move like he does at the size he is.
 -- Deoundrei Davis has locked up the Ojo Cup for most ridiculous name in this class.  He's a a Derrick Johnson starter kit at LB.
  --  Jacory Warrick is apparently number 8.  He's the Kendall Sanders of this class -- excellent athlete with great size for CB or decent size for slot WR.  Good pickup.
9.  Texas A&M is off to a kick-ass start on their recruiting class.  They have 13 commits (at least two of which will decommit before signing day, I'm sure) with top 3 guys at QB (Stewart), RB (White), and DT (Golden).  While I wouldn't take him over Oliver or RSJ, their WR commit Derrick Griffin is a 6'7" guy who moves like a 6'1" guy.  They've probably taken a couple reaches, though.  Specifically their OL recruits are questionable, their other DT commit is JAG, and their DB recruits would not have caught Akina's eye.
10. Spring practice has started and it sounds like Ash has sewn up the starting QB spot so far.  Orlando "Duke" Thomas is making a splash at CB as an early-enrollee freshman.  Sheroid Evans better watch out or he'll get Wally Pipped.  Only one practice video has been put up, and it focused on Kenny Vaccaro.  That guy is shredded.  They're practicing in helmets and shorts and his jersey looks like it's stretched across shoulder pads.
11. NFL combine notes of interest:
 -- RGIII broke off a 4.41.
 -- Darron Thomas (Oregon) is an idiot.  You don't come out early as a mobile spread QB and run a damn 4.8.  Hello CFL.
 -- Cyrus Gray (TAMU) made some money today.  4.47 in the 40 and 21 reps of 225 on the bench press.  His 40 time was only 0.02 off of LaMichael James and Chris Rainey, the top speed backs in this class, and his bench shamed them.
 -- Darrell Scott (USF - punked UT coming out of HS) dropped a laughable 4.73 in the 40.  At his size to not see him on the bench press top performers is shameful.  Another cautionary tale unfolding before our eyes.  Mack Brown Curse, imo.
-- Marc Tyler (USC) also shuffled to a 4.76 in the 40.  Shocked.  Hell, Baylor's big boy Ganaway was faster than that (4.67).
-- Fozzy Whitaker just outside the top 10 on the bench press at 20 reps of 225.  For his size that's pretty impressive.  He won't get drafted, though.  He ought to finish out his graduate degree while rehabbing and training with Wylie for a year, then workout at Texas's 2013 Pro Day and get drafted in the third round after breaking off a 4.40.

Holy shit, you guys

Amazon Prime has the entire series of Farscape!  I will never have another productive day.