More Greatest (ahem) Hits

Stop the inanity! | May 25th, 2005

A bacteria grown on blood agar can be described as alpha, beta, or gamma hemolytic. Alpha hemolysis denotes that the organism performs an incomplete lysis and is inferred from the green pigment surrounding the bacterial colonies. Beta hemolytic organisms perform complete hemolysis and have a clear halo around colonies. So let’s recap, we’ve got incomplete and complete hemolysis. What other type of hemolysis could there be that necessitates a gamma designation? Extra complete — for the microbe that gives 110%?
No, gamma hemolysis refers to the absence of lysis. WTF? That is not gamma hemolysis. It is simply NO hemolysis. These organisms are not hemolytic. I’ve come up with a few examples that show what life might be like if the microbiologists who thought up gamma hemolysis were in charge.

• As he’s writing the ticket, you can explain to the police officer that you were a little confused about what to do at a gamma go sign.
• Congratulations to hundreds of thousands of Americans who are no longer unemployed. They all have new gamma jobs!
• I’m sorry, Mrs. Smith. We did all we could to save him, but Mr. Smith is now gamma alive.
• Our president isn’t dumb. He’s simply gamma smart.
• I am so incredibly gamma prepared to be a parent. I’ll probably gamma win father of the year.
• Actually, the microbiologists tell me W really is dumb. Okay, but his ideals and policies are gamma representative of the citizenry.

I don't think this is funny any more, but I remember thinking it was hilarious when I wrote it.