Things I wish I had done for the last time, but probably haven't*

1. Gone to work early in the morning with a King Kong hangover.
2. Laughed at a racist joke.
3. Two chicks at once.
4. Lost my shit in front of my kids.
5. Failed to see how badass my life is.





* It is entirely possible that I have not only never done one of these things in the past, but that the chance of my doing it in the future is somewhere between zero percent and no fuckin' way.

Things I have done (probably) for the last time without realizing it was for the last time*

1. Peed in an oven.
2. Played Scrabble with my grandfather.
3. Two chicks at once.
4. Killed 10,000 June bugs by shooting hoops in the driveway for two hours.
5. Rocked my daughter to sleep.
6. Followed a class of football players from their junior year of high school to their rookie year in the NFL.
7. Made frozen orange juice concentrate with extra sugar.
8. Waltzed.
9. Thought I could do anything I wanted with my life.
10. Thought I could fly.



*It's possible that I may not have EVER done one of these things.

Descriptions of my back spasms

1. As if a great harpy eagle, mistaking me for it's more usual mid-sized prey, had swooped down and dug its claws into my back. Finding itself unable to lift off with its prize as expected the eagle is nonetheless unwilling to relinquish me. Instead, every step I take is interpreted not as a means of going about my daily necessities, bur rather as an attempt at escape, causing the enraged raptor to dig its talons ever deeper.

2. Mealworms. Electric mealworms. Electric mealworms with hooked fangs. Electric mealworms with hooked fangs burrowing into my paraspinal muscles, discharging 90 volts with every undulation.

3. He looks ahead, a wide plain spreading out to the purple horizon. From behind he feels the lash of a dark wind. With the wind comes a black rain that falls, not around him, but on him, and him alone. A rain cold to the point of burning. A million scalding daggers have torn his flesh in minutes.
Behind the rain he can almost see ... something. Something the color of an evil man's soul, with bleeding eyes. Something that is not a Horseman, for this is not the Apocalypse.
No, this that marches with the dark wind and calls forth the black rain is the First Footman of the Mundane. He is Pain. And he comes with dogged determination.

4. My eyes were torn open and I was made to see the Lord. And the Lord spake thus unto me: Anguish! Anguish! for you are a stiff-necked being. Anguish! for you are the barren earth upon which no good thing may grow, no matter the labor. Anguish such as you have caused those whom I love. Anguish, and it shall be better than you deserve.
At this seven times seventy demons all lit upon my back, red in tooth and claw. Seven times seventy teeth did each have and seven times seventy talons. And yay though I suffered the righteous punishment of the Lord did I realize, verily, this sucked.

5. Like a certain relative--constantly annoying and causing discomfort, but stopping just short of setting off a murderous rampage.

Good things about dementia

1. Fart in public, nobody says shit.

Worse names for Apple's new tablet than iPad

1. iSanitarynapkin
2. iTampon
3. iMenses
4. i.
5. iAmbleedingbloatedandcrampingandwhatthefuckareyoulookingatasshole
6. iForonewelcomeournewcomputingoverlords

Reasons why this recruiting class means Texas will play for a title in two years

1. Upgrade along the D-line. Best class of defensive linemen in the Mack Brown era, for sure. DEs of both the quick end and power end variety. DTs of the Lamarr Houston and the Roy Miller variety. Look for at least three of these guys to crack the two-deep by the end of the year.

2. Upgrade at linebacker. The loss of Norton hurt Texas this year as it forced Muckelroy to play middle LB with only E. Acho and K. Robinson on the strong and weak side spots. The two deep had Acho and Robinson backing up each other with Earnest backing up Muckelroy--4 players covering 6 spots. With Norton and Earnest back next year the MLB spot is covered, but look for Tariq Allen to make a move backing up Keenan Robinson and one of Hicks, Benson, and Tevin Jackson to back up Emmanuel Acho. Of the 3 Tevin Jackson may have the most potential as MLB someday. In the recent past Texas has tried to cross-train their LBs anyway, so it's not a huge distinction.

3. Upgrade at WR, assuming this group has more Quan Cosby-s (Cosbies?) and fewer Phillip Paynes and George Walkers. Mike Davis and Darius White are likely to get in the rotation immediately, pushing guys like Chiles and Kirkendoll. Eventually Chris Jones might be the best of the group. Harris is gravy and Terrell will have to put on weight to play TE (hopefully more Jermichael Finley and less Dan Buckner).

4. The OL from 2009's class should be matured in two years with the two from this class providing quality depth. The line from this past year was the worst in the last five years and they still got to the title game.

5. Kept the best athlete in Oklahoma out of OU's hands. Who knows where he plays, but it doesn't really matter.

Don't call it a comeback

Mama Said Knock You Out - LL C...

I'm going to open this back up. New format is going to be a series of lists, posted every Wednesday, punctuated by the odd rambling post about college football, music, or my career. Hopefully it will be as fun as the previous format. Even without the defaced Peanuts strips. Ideally some commentors will be moved to leave their own lists on the theme of the week.