afraid to fail

say hello to the New Year, same as the old year

2012-01-06T21:37:00.001-06:00

1. Started the year off alone and cold when M* and the kids rolled out to Chicago, leaving me to walk the streets of Ann Arbor in a delightful bit of weather called "wintry mix" that we don't have in Texas. Wintry mix is when every form of cold and wet happens at once. Usually windy, too.

2. Six months of dealing with bullshit at U of M. Hope I make it. I was asked to cover for someone last minute due to exceedingly poor planning on the parts of several people. When I emailed the HNIC asking for details about this new duty that I'd never performed before (e.g., how long should I plan for this to take, what do I actually do, and so forth) and gave the reason for asking (i.e., my other duties didn't stop for this and I need to plan my busy day) the response I got was "We are all busy. You will know how to do it after you do it." Wow. Fuck this place.

3. It was 48 degrees this evening. I'm being cheated of my one chance at a legit winter.

4. If anyone who reads this is ever applying for a state medical license and hears from someone that using FCVS is a good idea because it will make things smoother, please know that this is completely false. Those fuckers are ruining my career right now.

5. House hunting is fun over the internet, but I'm sure to get fucked in the end. I'm not real good at "life."

6. My neighbors above me are fucking right now. Their rhythm sucks.

7. My prediction for Texas's final record was pretty spot on. I even predicted them winning the Holiday Bowl, albeit I was way off on the opponent and Oregon would have murderized this team.

8. Vegas is paying 30:1 on Texas to win it all next year. If I had $10k to lose I'd take that bet. The schedule sets up nicely with only KSU, OU, and WVU likely to cause major problems.

9. Looking at #7 I was also pretty right about Baylor, though a retarded monkey could have picked up the things I said about them. Crashing back to earth next year though.

10. Texas just lost their best WR recruit, Thomas Johnson, who will probably end up at Oregon. He's a big time player, but when you can have a lot of success with Nate Jones as your primary WR, you've proven that elite WRs aren't one of the biggest keys for a successful team. Hell, Matt Millen proved that with the Detroit Lions. Well, I suppose he proved a corrollary, which is that the presence of elite WRs does little to nothing to overcome deficiencies in other positions on the field.

11. Shit, meant to stop at 10.

happy holidays, from Pepper

2011-12-26T21:11:00.002-06:00

1. While it definitely sucked to be in this shithole on Christmas without getting to see our families, I have to admit I had a pretty kickass day just hanging with the kids.

2. Trimmed the beard the other day and the counter looked like somebody poured salt and pepper all over it. By the time I get back to Texas I'll be bald and gray. I even saw a gray pube the other day.

3. Totally unrelated to the above, I'm sure, but my dedication to getting in better shape is going strong after a 2-3 week hiatus for a bitching respiratory virus. Fitness goals for the next six months:
- running twice a week with at least one of those being a 10k or better distance
- 20 wide grip pullups (I'm done at 9 currently)
- 100 pushups (I'm at 30 now)

4. I haven't really been running much because of the weather and fear of the right knee pain returning. I have been walking like I'm the Pepper of Ann Arbor. I walk the three miles from the hospital to my apartment pretty regularly. If this fabled winter ever truly picks up I might have to give that up.

5. I sometimes forget that my 3 year old son is not, yet, a Pepper-level urban walker. The other day we walked to the laundromat together. It's a mile and a half. Each way. And it was 34 degrees. Little dude only made me carry him the last half-mile or so. He's a trooper.

6. A trooper who still pisses the bed at night. Come on!

7. My daughter won Christmas from Santa and us, but the boy really got some cool shit from everybody else. My favorite was the stomp-rocket, his was the twin-engine airplane that drops a life raft out of the bomb bay doors. He sleeps with it.

8. I cashed in as well. New Balance Road Minimus 10 shoes, badass graphic novels, The Invention of Hugo Cabret, badass music, and some resistance bands I've already put to use.

9. Because the Minimus shoes are so different from anything I've worn before I'm not sure if they're the right size. Might be a little small. I need to try and hit up a shoe store in town to try on the next size higher just to see. I haven't worn the new shoes outside yet, so I should still be able to return them if need be.

10. Fuck New Year's Eve.

thoughts

2011-12-13T15:54:00.002-06:00

1. The only thing receding worse than the Michigan economy is my hairline. Fuck it's going fast.

2. I've recently been playing guitar a lot more. Here are songs I've either learned or re-learned in the last few weeks:
-- Top Gun theme song
-- Tomorrow (from Annie, as played by Rivers Cuomo)
-- opening lick to China Grove
-- opening riff to Wish You Were Here
-- Dueling Banjos
-- Scooby Doo theme song (apparently the Matthew Sweet version?)
-- sort of kind of Someone Like You by Adele (I screw up the picking when it changes from one part to another)

3. That's really it.

Time Flies When Shit Sucks

2011-12-08T18:26:00.004-06:00

Long time no post. Let's get to it.

1. Here's a picture of me at work:

2. Here's a movie someone made about me at work:

3. They even made TV show about me.

4. I've probably made my point.

5. Moving on.

6. UT football season went as well as could be expected given the injuries on offense. They beat K-State and Mizzou with healthy RBs and Shipley. Or if they didn't start a QB with Angelman syndrome. Defense was great against bad teams and bad against good teams. They matched up well against an Aggie team that was without two NFL RBs, so that performance looks better than it was. They never really put together a complete game against a decent team.

7. I do think the future is bright, though. If the RBs stay healthy next year, David Ash learns which color his teammates are wearing, and Case McCoy dies in a fire, the offense should get good enough. Think Bama 2009. The defense upgrades through Gideon's graduation and probably gives up 2-3 explosive plays less because of it. If Vaccaro stays the secondary will be as good as any since 2006. Linebackers should suffer little drop-off with Cobbs (better athlete than Acho), Edmond (better MLB than Keenan this year),and Hicks (played dumb this year and needs to get that fixed). D-line replaces Kheeston Randall with a juco who's probably better than he was and rocks out.

8. Seriously, I hate my workplace.

9. Missing Christmas in Texas is going to blow.

10. My boss mentioned that I seemed unhappy lately and wanted to know if there was anything she could do. How about you not fucking LIE about the details of this program? How about you not lure me here with your lies so I traumatize the shit out of my son by taking him away from all the people that love him? How about I not see how sad he is every day and then go to work at a job that is NOTHING like it was promised to be? How about I not be fucking trapped with literally no option for leaving this program early that would allow me to provide for my family? Fucking slag.

2011-10-31T16:54:00.001-05:00

i think my daughter might be retarded.

Shit I forgot to post about in the shit I forgot to post about post

2011-09-27T18:52:00.001-05:00

1. I fully endorse the following websites:
backcountry.com, steepandcheap.com, runningwarehouse.com

2. My new upstairs neighbors fuck on average 3 times a day. Once at around 10:30, once around 1 a.m., and once around 6 a.m. Like clockwork.

40 weeks to go

2011-09-25T09:10:00.000-05:00

This post could have been titled "Shit I keep forgetting to post about".

1. Some kid in Phenie's class is teaching her about Justin Bieber. I ever meet this kid, he's history.

2. Elliott can cuss. Like a sailor. My bad.

3. There's a girl who is occasionally at my bus stop leaving work in the afternoons who is pretty attractive in that Omelettry waitress kind of way. Too much metal in her face for my tastes, but, you know, attractive. She has a lower back (i.e., just above ass crack) tattoo that says in script font "Built for hours of fucking." You know, classy.

4. I love fall. I always have, even in Texas, but up here it's a legitimate season.

5. I may stab one of the residents in the eye if she keeps paging me every 30 minutes for updates on EEGs on patients who haven't had a seizure in days.

6. Actually, I may stab her anyway.

7. I've started running again. I tried a knee brace for a few days, but still got twinges in the right knee despite not going more than a mile and a half. I did some more investigating and decided that I over-pronate when I run. I decided to try getting some legit running shoes with good support instead of the cheapest shoes I could find, which is my usual m.o. I bought some Mizuno support shoes and they seem to be working. They are noticeably heavier than my cheap Adidas, though. I continued to do some reading and decided I also had knee pain from iliotibial band syndrome. So I started doing some specific stretches and exercises. I'm also taking this running program much more slowly than my last venture. I'm doing a slow pace, 30-minute run twice a week. I've been hitting 2.5 to 2.8 miles each time. I'm also jumping rope twice a week for 20 minutes. I've read this can strengthen the arches of my feet which might help with the knee pain as well. It also lets me do some cardio with less range of motion at the knee, thus less risk of aggravating the ITBS. So far so good. Every once in a while I still feel a little burn in the knee, but nothing like it was.

8. Aggies fell apart against Okie State. LOL. Why they didn't come out in the second half and simply run Gray and Michael to victory, I'll never know. They've got two all-conference backs and a very solid OL. They also have a relatively weak and slow secondary (especially with their best DB not playing due to injury). The strategy has got to be "grind clock and avoid turnovers."

9. Texas looked great against UCLA, but I hesitate to get too excited about the season yet. OU, Okie State, and the Ags are all still likely to kill the Horns. Baylor's offense is looking very tough, though I think they're win over TCU is fool's gold since TCU has their worst team of the last 5 years. Still, it's good for Texas that they play Baylor at the end of the season when their comfort with the new offense and defense should be at it's highest.

10. RG3 for Heisman, btw.
Passing Yards PCT YPA Long TD INT Sacks Rating
70/82 962 85.4 11.73 66 13 0 2 236.2
Rushing
18/116 6.4 35 0

I choose YOU!

2011-09-11T19:29:00.002-05:00

43 weeks to go (or thereabouts)

2011-09-04T14:46:00.008-05:00

So I failed to get my college football post done in time to really embarrass myself, but I'll go ahead with it now anyway.
1. Prior to the Rice game I would have predicted Texas to go 8-4 this season. After the Rice game I predict 7-5 at best and 6-6 a real possibility.
2. The defense was worrisome, especially the linebacker play and the secondary support against the run. Keenan Robinson in particular looked out of place on several plays that cost them 4-5 yards a pop.
3. Whenever I watch Fozzy play I always feel like he did pretty good, but when I look at the stats he's always averaging like 3 yards a carry. Yes, Malcolm, it's your turn now. I would keep Fozzy in that wildcat role though. That looked promising as hell.
4. Gilbert sucks less than last year but he will cost them any chance to win a game they shouldn't against OU, Okie State, or the Aggies. Late and low on intermediate routes, high heat on short routes, and flat and long on deep routes. Bone head behind the head toss to Fozzy in middle of an avoidable sack. He did complete a two nice deep balls (two of five) and had a nice off schedule run for 20+, but that's not going to be there against stiffer competition.
5. Malcolm Brown is a stud. At least as good as Benson as a freshman.
6. Tucker is a choad.
7. Gideon needs to be replaced. Start Phillips at safety and have him roll to nickelback when Gideon or Brewster comes in for the nickel package. Alternatively bring in a guy like AJ White and have Diggs roll to Nickel.
8. Kick coverage was awful.
9. Kick return was marginally better than kick coverage.
10. Punt return may have been worse than kick coverage but was light years better than last year.

I also caught the second half of the BYU game.
1. They are weak against power running plays and their offense was very inconsistent.
2. Like Rice they have some bigger receivers who could spell trouble for the Texas midgets.
3. Texas will have to do a better job of getting to the QB next week because when he has time Heaps can kill you.

Went to the Michigan game on some free tickets.
1. If I were racist this is the joke I would make: The Big House was designed by Mexicans -- 80,000 seats for 100,000 people.
2. Since I'm not, this is the joke I'll make: The Big House must have been designed by the guy who makes clown cars, because they stuff 100,000 fatasses into seating for 80,000 small children.
3. Michigan is in for a long year on defense.
4. Denard Robinson is fast. Real fast. Too bad he's one of like 3 legit players on that team.
5. Loitering seems to be a big part of the Michigan gameday experience. I mean, during the game there were thousands of people just milling about in the concourse and by the gates. It really seemed like they didn't care there was a game going on. Not what I expected at all.
6. At the Texas-OU game the number of hot chicks belies description. At the University of Michigan vs Western Michigan University the paucity of hot chicks does the same. I saw one attractive girl in the whole place.
7. I took Phenie with me. She almost passed out from the heat. Yeah, good call Dr. Dad.

Saw the first half of the Baylor game.
1. RG3 and Kendall Wright would start for almost any program in the country and will both be in the NFL.
2. Kendall Wright is an annoying shithead that I would rather not see playing for Baylor.
3. That thick senior RB was impressive as hell.
4. Why didn't Mack Brown try to poach Baylor's OL coach for some Texas recruiting consistency? I'm happy, so far, with Searels, but this seems like a pretty simple equation.
5. TCU is fucked. Disregarding the downgrades they took on the offensive side of the ball, their defense sucked.
6. Baylor's defense wasn't doing a hell of a lot either.
7. Baylor will beat Texas unless the Longhorns offense can keep the ball out of the hands of Griffin, Wright, and company.

Still waiting on that TAMU-SMU game. SMU might surprise with their offense this year and the Aggies always seem over-rated to start the year.

Predictions:
Big12 Champ: OU (sucks)
National Champ: Bama over Stanford 48-13
Boise state goes undefeated and wins the Rose Bowl over Wisconsin
USC has a losing record.
ND does after losing their bowl game to go 6-7.
Texas goes 7-5 and wins the Holiday Bowl against Oregon.
Gilbert starts the whole season but Ash gets 15 snaps a game from OU onward.

ADDENDUM:
That Aggie vs SMU game would have been interesting if Padron hadn't dug that early hole with Gilbertesque INTs. Both were simply terrible throws and the second could have been a big gain if it had been an accurate ball. Aggies look legit on offense but their secondary lacks speed and their LBs looked weak. They should still finish second in the Big12 and beat Texas this year. It will be sweet watching them in a rebuilding year their first year in the SEC -- new QB, lose best WR, best RB, and six starters on D.

46 weeks to go

2011-08-15T17:31:00.003-05:00

1. Took the kids to Chicago over the weekend. They were total brats the whole time and I was pretty embarassed by their behavior. Also, couldn't sleep.

2. Work is pretty boring right now. I'm actually looking forward to doing something a little more hard core in a couple weeks.

3. Two job interviews later this week. One in Fort Worth that I don't think is a winner and one in Rockwall that I think might be.

4. The Aggies trying to ruin college football. Assholes.

5. Next week will by my annual "moron's view of the Texas Longhorns" post.

6. It's so easy to eat shitty food when you don't impose categorical constraints.

47 Weeks to Go

2011-08-06T14:01:00.005-05:00

1. Life is much better when I'm not on call every other day. That shit was brutal. I do it again in 3 weeks. Damn.

2. Took the kids paddle boating around the Huron River. The little cove where the dock is is completely grown in with weeds so paddling was brutal. The weeds kept getting wrapped around the tiller, too, so we couldn't steer. It was fun though, once we got out into the more open river water.

3. I have 3 interviews lined up -- Rockwall, Fort Worth, and Corpus. I'm waiting to hear back from the biggest group in Dallas. They have a nice hospitalist spot that I think would be perfect.

4. Trying to come up with a realistic salary expectation is difficult because there is so much disinformation around the intergoogles.

5. I'm trying to run Spotify through Wine on my linux system. There's a certain level of incompatibility there that makes Spotify just stop randomly. Very annoying.

6. Spotify on Windows is the shit, however. Any song ever recorded on demand at any time. It's beautiful. Rdio is just as good but lacks a free, ad-supported option. I can't comment on the two with regard to mobile use, but most people claim that is where spotify really shines.

7. Ten years was enough. I'm rejoining the carnivore clan. I'm skinny as hell and don't want to be one of these complete and total feebs when I'm old. I have trouble getting enough protein to gain muscle mass without eating a lot of expensive supplement bars and shakes. It feels wrong to eat this far more heavily processed crap just to avoid eating meat. There are still lots of reasons to be vegetarian, but for now pass the A1.

8. Elliott keeps saying we live in "Mexican." This is fine except when he gets mad at me and says "I hate Mexican" in a crowded public area.

48 weeks to go

2011-07-30T17:30:00.003-05:00

1. Entering four weeks without call. Thank fucking Jeebus.

2. My son has an imaginary friend named Bally. (Bahli? Who the hell knows.) It's a girl with "eyes the same as mine". She is older than him. When he was telling me about her he stood back to back with her so I could see she was taller than him. That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Unless he sees dead people, then it's not funny at all.

3. Weather continues to kick ass. There is rain up here. Life-sustaining rain at least every other day. Meanwhile Texas is so drought-ridden even tropical storms dry up before landfall, apparently.

4. Interview in Fort Worth scheduled. Working on interview for Corpus Christi. The Corpus job actually seems like a slightly better gig overall, except my wife doesn't really want to live in Corpus.

5. Mom's surgery went fine, but the recovery was ~~constipated~~ complicated. She's better now.

6. Don't really have anything else to add. Sorry for the weaksauce post.

50 weeks to go

2011-07-17T18:35:00.002-05:00

1. Job is way busier than advertised. Average call as an intern was easier than this shit. Only difference is during internship I wasn't at home to wake up my wife with every page.

2. Had I known I would be working in house 7 to 7 instead of the promised 8 to 4:30* then I would not have chosen to live this far from the hospital and rely on public transportation.

3. One in five people up here qualify as miserable human beings. I mean that as an objective assessment of their value as human beings, not a commentary on their subjective emotional state.

4. Two in five people up here qualify as genuine, nice individuals. Nobody's dropping egg in your beer or anything, but they might lend you a bottle opener if they see you with a couple longnecks.

5. The summer climate here is incredible. I'm sure the pain of winter more than counterbalances it, but I could spend every July for the rest of my life in small town Michigan.

6. Did a quick phone interview for a job in Fort Worth and am scheduling an in-person soon.

7. Mom having surgery in a couple days. Fuck me being 1000 miles away.

* I.e., if these devious fucks hadn't lied to me during the interview process.

51 weeks to go

2011-07-07T17:44:00.003-05:00

Here are few random thoughts as the first legit week in Ann Arbor winds down.

1. The people up here are thick. Probably fewer morbidly obese folks than the Metroplex, but there are no skinny people. Except the Asians.

2. I'm developing an awe of poor people. Just trying to live for a week without a car is very difficult, and it's probably easier in Ann Arbor than most places. It took me 90 minutes to buy $20 worth of groceries today. 30 minutes to walk to the store, 20 minutes to shop, and 40 minutes to carry all that shit back.* This weekend I had to pay $3.50 per load to do a single load of laundry at a time in the basement of my apartment because I didn't want to spend 40 minutes on a bus carrying my dirty laundry around. Basically being poor means you have to actually pay MORE to do a lot of things. Totally fucked.

3. My coworkers are total caricatures.
-- Super hard core gunner Asian chic
-- Indian guy who came to America and tasted alcohol for the first time and has never looked back
-- former Mormon who broke from the church and now drinks liquor and caffeine in the morning just to spite them
-- Arabic guy who spends all day trying to cut deals on the phone (while I take care of shit we are actually supposed to be doing) and makes at least 3 suggestions per day regarding things the department should pay for (like home internet bill, new laptop, mobile 3G hotspot device, etc)**

4. Ann Arbor never got the memo that rollerblading is douchey. On the flip side the bus drivers all wave make conversation with you.

5. Mother-in-law will be staying with us a few days after helping the wife and kids drive up. If she sleeps in our bed I don't know how her daughter's going to explain the carpet burns with a straight face.

* Bagger put my bananas in the same bag as the milk. By the time I got home I had banana mush and a slimy milk jug. Pissed.

** Not really a caricature so much as just annoying.

llogg vs low-flow toilet

2011-07-03T05:25:00.000-05:00

no contest.

Curse my winning personality

2011-06-29T09:18:00.003-05:00

Hi, Llogg

I understand from Dr. Maine McMaineypants that you had a conversation with both he and one of his partners. They like you very much and are wondering if you and your family might like to come for an interview.

Let me know your thoughts.

Kind Regards,

Recruiter Chic

Shit just got real, yo.

random thoughts from my first few days in Michigan

2011-06-28T06:40:00.006-05:00

1. "Yes, I dented the rain gutter with this big ass truck. You don't exercise or eat enough vegetables. So, we've both made mistakes, but mine won't lead to early stroke and heart attack. You. Fat. Fucking. Cow."

2. "Sure, Father-in-law, it sounds like a great idea to take you sight-seeing in downtown Ann Arbor in a giant fucking truck. I'm sure nothing bad will happen, like running into a rain gutter because you said I was clear while backing up."

3. The only nice people I've encountered in Ann Arbor have been my apartment manager and a waitress.

4. I shouldn't have come. I'm endangering the mission. If the mission is being able to sleep and be happy, I mean.

5. First shit I took in new apartment was too much for the toilet to handle. I guess everything really is bigger in Texa(n)s.

6. Aside from the people, Ann Arbor is awesome. Lush green everywhere, highs in the 80s, hundreds of fireflies at night.

P.S. Changed sidebar video.

2011-06-05T16:54:00.002-05:00

fuckshitcocksuckermotherfuckerdicklickingcuntassholepieceofshitmotherfuckingshitfacecumbubblefuckhead

VA hiring flowchart

2011-05-14T20:22:00.002-05:00

Presented without comment.

Things I can't say on Facebook: 6

2011-01-15T07:34:00.004-06:00

My sister-in-law's two roommates are a lesbian and a prostitute. Seriously, WTF? The lesbian thing is no big deal, although she's an "arty" lesbian not a butch one and I suspect in two years it will all be a phase she was going through. The prostitute is the shocker. Apparently she gets $500 per date as an escort and always has sex with the guy. Does she not know about stripping? Although, she would probably not be that successful as a stripper because she is simply not that attractive. Which raises the question as to who the fuck is paying $500 to bang an unattractive chic? I mean, is that really the going rate for mediocre whores? Anyway, I've already started drafting my "It Is Not Okay To Associate With Prostitutes" speech for Phenie.

hodge podge

2010-12-12T13:45:00.004-06:00

1. Not much to report on the training front. Due to a combination of time constraints, knee pain, and sloth I have really fallen off on the running. Last run was 5.5 miler at home over Thanksgiving. Planning to get things restarted this week though.

2. I went to the dermatologist Friday about this spot on my left cheek that's been growing for the past couple years. Given my history of an epic sunburn from a Matagorda Island trip without sunscreen, I was worried about it. Here's how the visit went down:
Doc: Hmm, let me take a look at that.
Me: I'm kind of worried because of this terrible sunburn I had.
Doc: Looks like actinic keratosis. I'll just freeze it off. Okay?
Me: Okay.
Doc: [casually grabs innocuous blue can] This is 200 below zero so it might pinch a little.
Me: [wince as he aims at my face, very near my eye]
Doc: I'll put my hand here to shield your eye. [pulls trigger] It might be pink for a few days. [still spraying]
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: Oh sweet merciful Tebow! What the hell is wrong with you? My face is on fucking fire! What have I done? What have I done? God almighty what the hell have I done?

It stopped burning about 30 minutes later, rougly 10 minutes before I would have driven into oncoming traffic to end the pain.

3. UT football is in complete disarray right now. Muschamp wanted Mack to retire, which he would have if not for the injury to Colt in the NCG last year and the shit-tastic season this year. Mack refused. Muschamp got an offer he couldn't refuse. All that remains to be seen is if he will take the rest of the staff with him. I've read reports that he wants Akina, Giles, and Applewhite. That would leave Mack with only Kennedy and Chambers, and Kennedy has been widely rumored to be on the way out. Muschamp and Applewhite were the two best recruiters on the staff the last two years. Akina is a very solid recruiter. If Akina and Major leave Texas is quadrafucked. They can replace Muschamp with a big name and keep things rolling, but in order for this year's recruiting class to not fall apart Major and Akina must stick around.
Mack and DeLoss, if you're reading, here is my proposal for what the staff should look like next year:
DC/LB: Randy Shannon -- excellent DC, excellent recruiter, black
DT/ST: Dick Tomey -- short timer with enough fire left, an old friend for Mack to lean on
DB/Assistant HC: Duane Akina (you have to essentially re-recruit and hire him at this point) -- holds recruiting class together, continues the good kind of consistency
DE: Oscar Giles -- successful, bleeds orange, continuity, black
co-OC/QB: Major Applewhite -- holds recruiting class together, excellent recruiter, fire and energy and intelligence that has been sorely lacking
co-OC/OL: Bob Bostad -- Wisconsin has a great OL every damn year, input on the run game would be fabulous
RB: Bruce Chambers -- helps hold recruiting class together (not as critical as Major/Akina though), moves back to a position he's coached before
WR: hell if I know, Kennedy could stay to keep continuity in a time of change, but honestly he's done a terrible job with guys like Kirkendoll, Mal, and Chiles
TE: Joe Rudolph -- Wisconsin has tight ends that are a positive in the running game and passing game every year, and they do it with a bunch of slow Midwest honkies (i.e., Greg Smith would have been made into a productive player under this guy), also reported to be an excellent recruiter and evaluator
TE (alternate): Tim Brewster -- recruited Vincent Paul Young what the fuck else is there to say, the guy should be made head coach in waiting for that shit

Recruiting Coordinator: Chambers can continue in that capacity unless Brewster is brought back
Strength and Conditioning: whoever Todd Wright recommends

I hope Mack reconceptualizes his staff organization. He has five areas that need excellent leadership: offense, defense, special teams, strength/conditioning, and recruiting (NOT listed in order of importance). Most staffs seem to place a premium on OC and DC and the rest get short-changed. Bullshit. Pay each of these five coordinators in the 500k range and demand excellence from all of them. Position coaches should be in the 150k range with bonuses for recruiting successes and NFL draftees.

That's what I think.

4. Sidebar updated.

Things I Can't Say on Facebook: 5

2010-11-14T18:34:00.002-06:00

Dude, you grew up in Houston. It's time to adopt Western hygiene practices. You smell like curried asshole and I can't stand to be in the same room with you. I can't imagine your patients think too highly of the experience either. I mean, damn.

week 9

2010-11-14T18:28:00.004-06:00

The schedule this month just has not been kind to my training schedule. I did 6 miles today in 49:10. A little slow because I spent most of the first mile dicking around with the crappy ear buds on my mp3 player. It would have been even worse except the last 1/4 mile I passed a kid on his bike, which he didn't like so he started pedaling like crazy and passed me. I ain't no bitch for some punk ass kid on a bike, so I went full on sprint and caught him after about 70 yards. I tried to keep it up but I petered out with about 50 yards to go and stumbled across the 6 mile mark.

Ahead of that kid.

week 8

2010-11-08T21:35:00.003-06:00

Not much to report. I only got the long run in again. I couldn't get the stopwatch app on my mp3 player to work so I don't have the exact time, but I did 6 miles in less than 48 minutes. I'm pretty much right on pace and should be able to shave a little more time off in the next few weeks. If my right knee lets me. It will put up with me for about 4.5 to 5 miles, then I can put up with it for about a half mile, and the last half mile is just grinding my teeth and dreaming of ice packs. Kind of sucks, honestly.

week 7

2010-10-31T09:31:00.001-05:00

Just got in the long run again this week. Did 6 miles in 48:36. I deliberately took it easy the first 3 miles, finishing it in 26:24. At 5 miles I was at 41:20 and kicked it up a notch. Felt good to finish strong, but I need to be a little better from the start.

Things I Can't Say on Facebook: 4

2010-10-31T07:41:00.000-05:00

3 of the last 5 dumps I've taken at home have broken the toilet.

Longhorn football rant

2010-10-23T20:28:00.003-05:00

This is shaping up to be a very disappointing year for the Longhorns. I mean, home loss to Iowa fucking State? You gotta be kidding me. Here are my thoughts on what has led to the current state of affairs.

1. Bad luck/poor character evaluation: Marcus Davis, Andre Jones, Jarvis Humphrey, Robert Joseph, Brian Ellis, James Henry -- just on defense. Those guys could have been HUGE for the DT rotation (Jones, Humphrey, Ellis) and DB (if Joseph is less thug Gideon never sees the field at Texas, and Marcus Davis had a shot to kick Chykie to the curb). On offense you get Buck Burnette, JaMarcus Webb, Roy Watts, Josh Marshall, Brandon Collins, Ian Harris, Blaine Irby, Dan Buckner, and DJ Grant. This group would bolster the weakest units on the team. Collins and Buckner would provide two sure-handed receivers. Irby and Grant give you legit threats at the TE position. This does not take into account the poor talent/ability evaluation by the coaches.
2. Poor recruiting/development: Not sure whether the problem with this group lies in poor evaluation of the innate talent, or the inability to properly develop that talent.
- 2006: Chykie Brown, Steve Moore, Britt Mitchell, Greg Smith, Phillip Payne, Montre Webber
- 2007: John Chiles, Ben Wells, Russell Carter, Tray Allen, Aundre McGaskey, Ahmard Howard, James Kirkendoll (and Malcolm Williams only because he should be playing safety)
- 2008: Nolan Brewster, Blake Gideon, Dravannti Johnson, Mark Buchanan, Luke Poehlmann, Brock Fitzhenry, Jeremy Hills, Ryan Roberson
- 2009: Chris Whaley, Eryon Barnett, Tariq Allen, Patrick Nkwopara, Calvin Howell, Derek Johnson
This does not take into account the players that could have been on the roster in place of some of these dead weights.
3. Poor coaching, including recruiting decisions:
-The O-line is coached, I'm fairly certain, by Gabriel "Gabe" Solis. The penalties this year are ridiculous. The lack of development across the board at this position is embarassing. Recruiting at the position has been bizarre. It's like they're just throwing numbers at the position in hopes that the law of averages will give them enough decent players. That's great, except that 80% or more of the players recruited have been interior linemen rather than tackles.
-Wide receivers are clearly not taught the finer points of the position such as running beyond the first down marker on 3rd and 4th down. The current group has unreliable hands (to be charitable), gives poor effort blocking down field, and has no rapport with their QB. Texas has not offered a lot of incredibly talented guys at this position in recent years, and yet the roster is loaded with guys like Brock Fitzhenry and Greg Timmons who are unlikely to ever be contributors. The future at least looks bright for this position with Mike Davis, Darius White, and their redshirting classmates as well as Desean Hales.
-Running back is a huge mystery. Cody Johnson has proven, by this point, that he can be successful in the zone-blocking spread system, and yet he never gets the chance to establish himself and pound on the defense for more than 3 or 4 plays at a time. Fozzy has been consistent this year, the first time he's stayed healthy, and the last two games they've gone away from him, inexplicably. DJ Monroe is one of the fastest guys on the team, gets positive yards consistently, and can't get on the field. They promised Whaley he'd be the only RB taken his year and he's not even a RB anymore. There were better RBs available to the University of Texas in 2008 than Hills and Newton, namely Lamichael James and Jaquizz Rogers. In 2009 they could have had Christine Michael. In 2010 they took a single guy from 1A ball. He might be great, but it's a risk when you're not stocked at the position.
-Offensive coordinator refuses to develop game plans that highlight his players strengths and attack the opponents weakness (outside the Nebraska game). He appears willing to throw away the first two possessions of every game for the opportunity to see how the defense is going to react to his alignments. The internet is full of angry pixels burning on this subject, so I'm not going to belabor it. I'll simply say Greg Davis has not put his players in the position to succeed. All of the above complaints can be laid at least partially at his feet as well.
Not many complaints on the actual defensive coaching other than the frustrating inability of Chykie Brown to improve at all. He is the exact same player now as he was the first day he showed up on campus. The other issues on defense relate to the bad luck/recruiting decisions outlined above.

The good news is that recruiting, especially on the defensive side of the ball, has been impressive the last two years. If the defensive line can avoid the crippling attrition and bad luck of the last four years, they should be set. With Jeffcoat and Wilson showing up college-ready from day one the DE spot is secure. The four true freshman DTs provide depth even if none of them break out into stars (though I expect one or two of them will). Desmond Jackson in next year's class should be an impact guy early. On offense it looks like Adrian White and Adrian Phillips, and probably Demarco Cobbs are all keepers from this freshman class at DB and they've got 5 guys in next year's class who could play DB (Thompson might be WR, Diggs might be RB). RB is also looking up with Diggs, Malcolm Brown, and Joe Bergeron all showing the talent to potentially contribute early. Wide receiver has had some success as well with Mike Davis and Darius White contributing this year while Chris Jones could be Brandon Collins and John Harris provides a big target in the mold of Dan Buckner. Next year's class has Shipley junior which is nothing but good news, but the other guy doesn't really do much for me. They've gotten 3 Texas-good QBs in the last 3 classes, not to mention Colt's little brother who might make me look as silly as Colt did.
Offensive line recruiting continues to be a mystery. Last year they took zero tackle prospects when that was already the thinnest spot across the line. Next year they've committed six linemen, but one of them broke his leg (actually came to junior day in a wheelchair) and is about the 3rd best lineman on his HS team this year. Unless the coach changes, I don't expect to see a lot of improvement here.
Bottom line is Greg Davis has to go. He's not the only problem, but he brings nothing to the recruiting table, has no cohesive offensive identity, and does not game plan well outside of one game per year. Fire Greg Davis. Do it. Do it now. Or at least pull some strings so he gets the UNT head coaching job. Either way, make him disappear.

EDIT: I just saw Mizzou run a hook and lateral off a WR screen against OU. Let's get their guy. The WR screen gets overplayed against Texas routinely by opposing defenses, that play would make them pay for it big time.

week 6

2010-10-23T08:13:00.004-05:00

The week that wasn't. Turns out working 6AM to 6:30 or 7PM and then taking care of kids until 8:00 isn't that conducive to running. Having to do literature searches for 2-3 hours after that doesn't leave a lot of time for board prep either. Hopefully next week settles down, but I may have to accept only getting to work out on my one day off a week for this entire month. In other news everyone in my family has the same cold.

I did get in a 5 mile run in 39:28 last week, so I was pretty much on target until this week. I'm thinking by the time the Capitol 10k rolls around I can shoot for 47 minutes instead of 50. That would put me safely in the top 20% for my age group most years, though far off the top pace of 5:30/mile. That's fucking fast.

Things I Can't Say on Facebook: 3

2010-10-12T20:06:00.002-05:00

I just spent 20 minutes giving birth to two billiard balls that both wanted to go first. Fucking sucked and my ass is tore up now.

week 5 part 4

2010-10-11T22:04:00.002-05:00

Not sure how my posts got off on the numbering, but for future reference the long run marks the end of a training week for me. Thus this post at the beginning of a calendar week is still about the previous week's long run, and as such, week 5.

I did the 5.5 mile run on the Katy Trail for the first time keeping time yesterday afternoon. That great yellow sphincter in the sky was squinting down at me pretty hard for an October afternoon. I deliberately did not check my splits on this run, just to see what I'd do without the clock to guide me. I ended up finishing in 48:34, closer to 9 min/mile than 8. I blame it on right knee pain after the second mile, the relative lack of pacers (other runners unwittingly serving as my rabbits), and that bloody sun. I think I'll do better this week.

If I were still going by Hal Higdon's intermediate schedule, next week would consist of 3 mile run + weights, 5.5 mile run, 10x400m sprints, 4 mile run + strength, rest, 60 minute cross train, and 7 mile run. Laughable at this point. Even if I carved out time for it by running at 5 a.m. every day, my knee would never allow it. Instead I'll shoot for weights, 5 mile run, weights, 5 mile run, weights, rest, 6 mile run. Not quite a "novice" schedule, but close. I'm still thinking once I get to a long run of 8 miles I'll either add a day of speed training or substitute for one of the short run days. Despite the poor time this week I'm still confident I'll be able to break 8 minutes/mile for the full 10k in a couple weeks. I might start looking for some 5ks to run just to get a little competitive running in and see how my pace stacks up on the real.

In other news, board review goes slowly. Thinking it's time to break out the flashcards already.

week 5 part 3

2010-10-08T22:12:00.002-05:00

Did my second 4.5 mile run for this week. It is truly amazing to me how big a difference the presence of other runners makes in my performance. I kept an eye on my pace during the second mile today and kept it to just under 8 minutes/mile. I didn't keep the rest of my splits, but I finished strong again with a final time of 34:54, about a minute faster than a couple days ago.
My knees are sore but not swollen, which is good. I'm going to take tomorrow off and try to get a 5.5 mile run in on Sunday. I'd like to keep up the 8 minute pace, but we'll see. In about two weeks I'll add a speed day in there somewhere.

Things I Can't Say on Facebook: 2

2010-10-06T22:28:00.002-05:00

Sorry, didn't realize we were only recruiting douchebags. Let's go ahead with the tapas bar then.

On a related note, anybody know how I can stop getting email notifications soliciting input that will invariably be ignored? Thanks.

week 5 part 2

2010-10-05T20:15:00.002-05:00

Did the Katy Trail again this evening. For the first time I did trail running with a reliable time keeping device. (I found a flash stopwatch for my MP3 player.) 4.5 miles in 35:52, just under 8 min/mile. I did the first mile comfortably in 8 even, but the second mile killed me as I coasted it in 9 minutes. I picked it up after that but don't have the rest of my splits until the last half mile. I smoked it in about 3:30 after seeing I was a little over 32 minutes with a half mile to go. Felt good to run fast to the finish.

Plan is to do another 4.5 mile run on Thursday and a 5.5 mile long run on Saturday or Sunday. We'll see how life intervenes this week.

Things I Can't Say on Facebook: 1

2010-10-04T21:57:00.003-05:00

I will never go to another crowded public event with my father. It was like taking a Vietnam vet to the Asian market during Tet. No less than 3 physical confrontations, all with Texas fans. Here's a quote. "Because if you are, I will knock you on your little ass." Here's a tip, dad, if you're going to have roid rage, you probably ought to do the roids. Or your going to end up getting your old ass knocked the fuck out. Very nearly ruined a great time. I am seriously not going to another similar event with him for the rest of my life. And I guarandamntee you none of my children will be going to these types of events with him.

week 5 part 1

2010-10-04T21:12:00.003-05:00

Last week got blown up by the viral infection that led to 3 days of diarrhea and nausea. I got my long run in, though. It was supposed to be 5.5 miles but I did 5.75 because I couldn't find the mile markers along the Katy trail at first. I don't know what the time was but it was definitely under 9 min/mile and the last 3 miles was much faster than the first 2.75. In fact, I was kicking ass until about the 5.25 mile mark when I suddenly felt like an AIDS patient on first generation antiretrovirals. I had to shit, and shit quick. I was seriously looking for bushes to hide behind but the traffic on the trail was just too heavy. I finished the run, got to the car, and hauled ass home. The only time I've felt more relief than the moment my bare and still clean ass hit the toilet was when I hit the exit on I35 to escape the lunatic pointing his gun at me.

Anyway I learned a few things on that run:
1. Having mile markers and other runners to pace me makes all the difference. If I'm running in a vacuum my natural pace is probably 9-10 min/mile, but I really pick it up when I can imagine I'm competing with some random fuck who doesn't even know I'm there.
2. Either the Katy trail has been much improved or my frame of reference has shifted considerably in the seven years since I was last on it. There are parts of it that reminded me of Central Park in the ability to completely shut out the God-forsaken city.
3. Clearly the architects of the Katy trail have never been targets of assassination plots because the trail is always along the ridgeline, exposing you to potential snipers the way Greg Davis exposes wide receivers to big hits for negative yards. (Speaking of assassination plots ... )
4. Dallas women believe strongly in the benefits of plastic surgery and in the right to take their yappy little mutts every-fucking-where.
5. Rollerblading is for tools.

2010-10-01T18:07:00.001-05:00

fuck this fucking fucked up shit.

Week 4 part 1 (of 1)

2010-09-24T18:04:00.004-05:00

Knee pain and swelling, plantar fasciitis, and allergies have limited my training the last couple of weeks. I'm definitely not up to the schedule ol' Hal Higdon has cooked up. I've settled on a regimen of running three days a week and lifting at least two days a week. No post last week because I was getting brutalized at work and only ran twice.

I've changed my running up a little bit. For one I'm trying to run outside more often. When I do have to run on the treadmill, because it's dark or raining or whatever, I set the incline on the treadmill to 1. I read that this should more closely approximate trail running. Outside I tend to run a little slower than 8 min/mile, but I'm never gassed at the end. I seem to have a very poor internal clock, and without a watch or distance markers I settle into a slower pace than I would like. On the treadmill I'm doing 4 miles with the incline up at 1 in around 31 minutes (last night was 30:57, Monday was 31:32). I keep hoping that the treadmill running will train the correct pace into my motor memory, but it doesn't seem to work that way.

Right now my plan is increasing my runs by ~10% per week. This week I'm doing two runs of 4 miles and one run of 5 miles. Next week will be 4.5 miles twice and 5.5 miles once (12% increase). I'm still shooting for 10k at 8 minutes per mile. Once I build up to a long run of about 8 miles I'm going to try and add one day of speed training where I do 4x400m sprints* with 400m walk between each one, eventually building up to 8x400m.

I try to ice my knees for at least 15 minutes after each run. I don't know if it's just the increased rest or the ice or a combination, but my right knee has not been hurting or swelling as much recently. Of course, the arch supports could also be helping.

Yes, arch supports. Why didn't anyone ever tell me I needed arch supports before? I've never known what it's like to run and not have my feet hurt afterward. Turns out my recurrent plantar fasciitis and knee pain might simply be because my feet have the same contour two-by-four.

Studying continues. Nothing much to report there other than the iPad my department gave me seems useless as a board prep tool at this point. Actually, it seems pretty useless for most things.

* Let's not get carried away here. My sprint of a 400m is probably around 100 seconds right now. With training I'd like to get it down to around 70 seconds.

week 2 part 1

2010-09-06T16:49:00.002-05:00

Took 3 days off for the trip to POC mainly because my right knee hurt like hell and was swollen. Felt better yesterday but stayed off it just to be sure. Did my 3 mile run today and am now icing it and feeling like a dumbass. Treadmill run in 20:44. No strength today because some kids were over-running the weight room. I'll catch that up tomorrow. I'll probably go back to alternating running and lifting days with one day off until me knee gets better. This week I'll probably do 2 days lifting in a row to get an extra day between runs.

week 1 part 2

2010-09-02T17:16:00.003-05:00

Did the tempo run yesterday around Bachman Lake. Morningstar tells me that's a good place to buy drugs and/or get murdered. In retrospect I was the only Caucasoid out there among the dozens of people I saw. Too bad because it's a pretty nice 3 mile loop. I did 3.5 to 4 miles (hard to be sure because of poor distance marking) in the 35 minutes. Not quite on pace but I wasn't pushing it nearly enough. Without a watch or a partner to pace with I wasn't sure how fast to go. Next week I should definitely be able to get 4 to 4.5 miles in that time. I'll probably go to the track at Germany Park or hit the Katy Trail for that run.
By the way, treadmill running does not = trail running. Pushing it on the trail will get me to around an 8 minute mile pace, I think, whereas I can do a 7 minute pace on the treadmill pretty routinely now.
Today was back on the treadmill for 3 miles (21:00) and then strength training for biceps, deltoids, rotator cuff, and legs. Only I skipped the legs. I'll try and work them in tomorrow, which is supposed to be a "rest day" but whatever.

As for studying I'm still slogging through the Education Review Manual. Did a couple chapters this week which keeps me on pace for now.

Err...hi

2010-08-31T11:22:00.003-05:00

This is now the online place to track my 10k training, and possibly beyond once I work up the balls to try a marathon.
Yesterday I started on Hal Higdon's 10k training program for intermediate runners (even though I do not fit his description of an "intermediate runner"). Did a 3 mile run in 20:47 and strength training on chest, back, lats, and triceps yesterday. Did a 3 mile run today in 20:41. Tomorrow I'm supposed to do a 35 minute "tempo run". Not too sure what that means but, hell, I'll try anything once. I only really started cardio training about five months ago and my 3 mile pace has picked up considerably, and more importantly my recovery from a 3 mile run is about two minutes instead of 20 minutes.

I don't have any particular 10k race targeted just yet, but I'll be on the lookout for one.

I guess I'll also try to post about my year long board review process. I'm currently about a third of the way through the Educational Review Manual in Neurology. Hope to finish that up by December-January. Then I'll work through Haberland's Clinical Neuropathology and Case Review Series Brain Imaging by around March. Then a couple months going through Colen Flash Review -- Neurology and Neuropathology. Finishing with Neurology for the Specialty Boards and Neurology & Psychiatry:1000 Questions to Help you Pass the Boards. I probably will not have the time to finish my epic battle against DeJong's The Neurologic Examination or Brazis's Localization in Clinical Neurology. Nor will I be able to read my new Neurology: A Queen Square Textbook, though I got that mostly as a reference anyway. We'll see how soon the wheels come off this plan. It will also be interesting to see whether I'm more dedicated to running or studying.

Things I learned or re-learned this weekend

2010-04-07T10:38:00.002-05:00

(Sorry for the delay, technical issues)
1. My grandmother is a badass. Seriously. She just had her chest cracked open and sewn shut with wires, she had a tube down her throat, she was getting zero pain medication, and she was smiling at me. Damn.
2. My dad's conservatism trumps his intelligence. "I'm not convinced CO2 emissions are causing global warming." Okay...anything else I should take off the discussion menu: evolution, round Earth, the fact that rain is when Zeus beats off to Redtube clips of Ceres while Hera's in the shower and his seed spills down on us?
3. My mom has issues. She treated her eldest sister like a child. She treated her other sister's husband like a child. She treated her husband like a stranger. She refuses to acknowledge that her lifelong adequacy issues with regard to her older sister color their relationship to this day. She refuses to see that my dad is getting the short end of the stick in their relationship now. In her mind nothing has changed in their relationship since 1983, when in reality things have gone 180.
4. In 10 years I'll be my parents' only child with hair.
5. UT-Houston is not the flood-ravaged mess I visited on med school interviews.
6. Houston is not the dirty confusing mess I've always thought of it as since my initial foray as a driver at age 18.
7. Opera mini is a better web browser for my cell phone than the default browser, but still not the greatest.
8. Google maps cell phone app is far superior to the default map application provided by Sprint, but still far inferior to the true Google maps.
9. I might be on board with the iPad after all, though the name still sucks.
10. I like to have 10 items instead of 9 in a list.

Reasons I don't have a list for this week's post

2010-03-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

1. I suck.

Qualities my phone has in common with Michael Jackson

2010-03-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

For the record, I know that Michael Jackson jokes are older than Greg Oden's knees. I just don't care.
1. Excellent voice quality (when not dead)
2. Fondled by little boys*
3. Arrived at my apartment in a box, cold and lifeless**
4. Black fades over time

*Only one boy for the phone.
**On further review that was an alien sex doll I ordered off the Internet, and NOT, in fact, Michael Jackson's corpse. Totally unrelated, but I need like a dozen AA batteries. Thanks.

NCAA Conference Realignment

2010-03-17T00:00:00.003-05:00

Given the recent spate of coverage across the intertubes regarding the potential for Big 10 expansion and Big 12 dissolution, I offer my remedy:
1. Big 10 takes Mizzou or Pitt to form the Big 12 2.0.
2. If #1 = Pitt, then Big East takes Mizzou or Nebraska (best either can do).
3. Pac 10 scans the carnage and smiles.
4. Texas + TAMU + OU + CU + BYU + filler school to be named later to the new Pac 16. I'm thinking Mizzou is a possibility if still available.
5. KU, KSU, OkSU, TT, and whoever's left of Mizzou/Nebraska plus TCU, Utah, and Wyoming form new Midmajor 8. If Mizzou and Nebraska already out of play consider Houston, with Baylor then joining CUSA.
6. WAC absorbs reamining 5 MWC schools to form 16 team conf.
7. In 10 years Midmajor 8 and Big East merge forming mega basketball conference that dominates the NCAA tournament for decades.

Also, the "Texas to independent" movement may get legs if Texas can come up with a distribution model that pulls in big internet bucks, since it won't be able to get a sweetheart TV deal.

Things I wish I had done for the last time, but probably haven't*

2010-03-10T00:00:00.001-06:00

1. Gone to work early in the morning with a King Kong hangover.
2. Laughed at a racist joke.
3. Two chicks at once.
4. Lost my shit in front of my kids.
5. Failed to see how badass my life is.

* It is entirely possible that I have not only never done one of these things in the past, but that the chance of my doing it in the future is somewhere between zero percent and no fuckin' way.

Things I have done (probably) for the last time without realizing it was for the last time*

2010-03-03T00:00:00.000-06:00

1. Peed in an oven.
2. Played Scrabble with my grandfather.
3. Two chicks at once.
4. Killed 10,000 June bugs by shooting hoops in the driveway for two hours.
5. Rocked my daughter to sleep.
6. Followed a class of football players from their junior year of high school to their rookie year in the NFL.
7. Made frozen orange juice concentrate with extra sugar.
8. Waltzed.
9. Thought I could do anything I wanted with my life.
10. Thought I could fly.

*It's possible that I may not have EVER done one of these things.

Descriptions of my back spasms

2010-02-24T00:00:00.004-06:00

1. As if a great harpy eagle, mistaking me for it's more usual mid-sized prey, had swooped down and dug its claws into my back. Finding itself unable to lift off with its prize as expected the eagle is nonetheless unwilling to relinquish me. Instead, every step I take is interpreted not as a means of going about my daily necessities, bur rather as an attempt at escape, causing the enraged raptor to dig its talons ever deeper.

2. Mealworms. Electric mealworms. Electric mealworms with hooked fangs. Electric mealworms with hooked fangs burrowing into my paraspinal muscles, discharging 90 volts with every undulation.

3. He looks ahead, a wide plain spreading out to the purple horizon. From behind he feels the lash of a dark wind. With the wind comes a black rain that falls, not around him, but on him, and him alone. A rain cold to the point of burning. A million scalding daggers have torn his flesh in minutes.
Behind the rain he can almost see ... something. Something the color of an evil man's soul, with bleeding eyes. Something that is not a Horseman, for this is not the Apocalypse.
No, this that marches with the dark wind and calls forth the black rain is the First Footman of the Mundane. He is Pain. And he comes with dogged determination.

4. My eyes were torn open and I was made to see the Lord. And the Lord spake thus unto me: Anguish! Anguish! for you are a stiff-necked being. Anguish! for you are the barren earth upon which no good thing may grow, no matter the labor. Anguish such as you have caused those whom I love. Anguish, and it shall be better than you deserve.
At this seven times seventy demons all lit upon my back, red in tooth and claw. Seven times seventy teeth did each have and seven times seventy talons. And yay though I suffered the righteous punishment of the Lord did I realize, verily, this sucked.

5. Like a certain relative--constantly annoying and causing discomfort, but stopping just short of setting off a murderous rampage.

Good things about dementia

2010-02-17T00:00:00.001-06:00

1. Fart in public, nobody says shit.

Worse names for Apple's new tablet than iPad

2010-02-10T00:00:00.000-06:00

1. iSanitarynapkin
2. iTampon
3. iMenses
4. i.
5. iAmbleedingbloatedandcrampingandwhatthefuckareyoulookingatasshole
6. iForonewelcomeournewcomputingoverlords

Reasons why this recruiting class means Texas will play for a title in two years

2010-02-03T13:02:00.002-06:00

1. Upgrade along the D-line. Best class of defensive linemen in the Mack Brown era, for sure. DEs of both the quick end and power end variety. DTs of the Lamarr Houston and the Roy Miller variety. Look for at least three of these guys to crack the two-deep by the end of the year.

2. Upgrade at linebacker. The loss of Norton hurt Texas this year as it forced Muckelroy to play middle LB with only E. Acho and K. Robinson on the strong and weak side spots. The two deep had Acho and Robinson backing up each other with Earnest backing up Muckelroy--4 players covering 6 spots. With Norton and Earnest back next year the MLB spot is covered, but look for Tariq Allen to make a move backing up Keenan Robinson and one of Hicks, Benson, and Tevin Jackson to back up Emmanuel Acho. Of the 3 Tevin Jackson may have the most potential as MLB someday. In the recent past Texas has tried to cross-train their LBs anyway, so it's not a huge distinction.

3. Upgrade at WR, assuming this group has more Quan Cosby-s (Cosbies?) and fewer Phillip Paynes and George Walkers. Mike Davis and Darius White are likely to get in the rotation immediately, pushing guys like Chiles and Kirkendoll. Eventually Chris Jones might be the best of the group. Harris is gravy and Terrell will have to put on weight to play TE (hopefully more Jermichael Finley and less Dan Buckner).

4. The OL from 2009's class should be matured in two years with the two from this class providing quality depth. The line from this past year was the worst in the last five years and they still got to the title game.

5. Kept the best athlete in Oklahoma out of OU's hands. Who knows where he plays, but it doesn't really matter.

Don't call it a comeback

2010-02-03T00:00:00.000-06:00

Mama Said Knock You Out - LL C...

I'm going to open this back up. New format is going to be a series of lists, posted every Wednesday, punctuated by the odd rambling post about college football, music, or my career. Hopefully it will be as fun as the previous format. Even without the defaced Peanuts strips. Ideally some commentors will be moved to leave their own lists on the theme of the week.

Bovine Spongiform Revengcephalopathy

2009-06-17T00:00:00.001-05:00

I know where they research the madness of cows
Misshapen proteins
Misshaping the brains
I know who deserves the resulting sponge holes
Yellow car driving
Yellow heart beating
I know how to mix prions with Mickey D's
Savory toxin
Savoring the sin
I know when pores make mind flow retardedly
Delayed my revenge
But it would be fucking sweet.

Haiku revenge

2009-06-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

a car so yellow
matched perfectly to your soul
how does my ass taste?

Revenge by Jessiiiiiieeee

2009-06-03T00:00:00.001-05:00

I'd make you have sex with Jessie
on her period, extra messy.
Her cats would watch with shock and awe,
strap-on stuffing your exit maw.
The look in her eye is not meek,
how 'bout the tear upon your cheek?
How 'bout the pit inside your soul
as she runs off pinching your pole,
without explanation or note
she's gone with a flick of your scrote.

52 Odes to Vengeance

2009-05-27T00:00:00.001-05:00

So, until my car got wrecked I didn't know what I could come up with another 52 posts about. Now I've got it. Every Wednesday for the next year there will be a new bit of vitriolic verse or pissed-off prose comemorating the asshole in the yellow car. Okay, maybe this will burn itself out before a year, but until I decide what I'm really going to do here, this will have to do. Today's is a re-tread just to get things kick-started.

The Things I Would Do

Oh, the things I would do
if I could find you
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
I would gouge out your eyes
with a grapefruit spoon,
Go for the jugular
but think, "No, too soon."
I would gnaw through fascia
and tear out your spleen,
I would shove up your butt
a hamster named Dean.
I'd make you a trach tube,
insert with my thumb
After prepping the area
with wine from a bum.
Then I'd shit down your throat
in this brand new tube,
And sodomize you well
while using no lube.
I'd tear out your toenails
one by one by one;
But suppose I got bored
and thought "That's no fun."
I might cut out your tongue
but only the tip,
And then mock you like mad
because of your lithp;
As you plead for "Merthy!"
and cry out in pain,
But for you I'd have none
but purest disdain.
For you coward, you fraud,
you purulent cunt,
You just wrecked my new car
and then off you runned.
And so now I owe twice
what my car is worth
All thanks to your trimming
of its front-end girth.
Oh, the things I would do
if I could find you;
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
Alas, you are long gone
my car's fucked and worse -
I'll get nothing but rage,
and this page of verse.

My hero

2009-05-20T00:00:00.001-05:00

When we were small, I was probably 4 or 5, I remember doing this skit with my dad. It's something completely out of character, but a memory I hold dear. My dad was watching Ojo, me, and Snake because my mom was out running errands on a Saturday. We were in my parents' bedroom playing around their bed. This may be the same time that my dad recorded us on a little Radio Shack tape recorder. I said my favorite food was potatoes. And that I must have smoked a lot as a kid because my voice made Redd Foxx's sound smooth as silk.
My dad got out a kleenex or napkin and twisted it so that it was pinched in the middle and fanned out to either side, approximating a bow shape. My dad would put the kleenex on Ojo's upper lip, turning it into a mustache. "You must pay the rent!"
Then he'd put it on Snake's head, like a bow on a little girl. "But I can't pay the rent."
Back to Ojo's lip. "You must pay the rent!" Back to Snake's head. "But I can't pay the rent." Then to my neck, turning it into a bowtie. "I'll pay the rent." Back to Snake's bow. "My hero!"
I don't know where he came up with that. I'm just glad he did. I know at times in this space it seems like I've been dogging him out, and at times I was. Underlying every pixel in this blog, however, is the abiding awe which fathers inspire in their children and which stays with them the duration of their lives. The whole purpose of this blog was to understand some of what makes my dad my dad, to have a little fun doing it, and to realize what sort of impact I'm having on my own kids. I think I've accomplished all three goals. At the end, though, I can't really explain my dad or why he has held such sway over my life (whether he intended to or not), but I can accept that influence as the burden of fatherhood. For all the jokes about temper tantrums, cursing, and fucking cripples, my dad provided an excellent example of fatherhood, one I hope to match and improve on, so that one day when my son's on the holodeck reliving memories of his childhood he'll recognize the same dedication and love I recognize in my own father.

Other dogs ...

2009-05-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

This is my dad extolling the greatest of my mom's virtues. In contrast to his own inability to hold in flatulence, his wife can apparently hold it for 25 years. And yet she does not blow up.

for those not on my email list or on facebook

2009-05-06T08:24:00.004-05:00

This goes out to the driver of the little yellow car, you know who you are ...

The Things I Would Do
by Llogg

Oh the things I would do
if I could find you
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
I would gouge out your eyes
with a grapefruit spoon,
Go for the jugular
but think, "No too soon."
I would gnaw through fascia
and tear out your spleen,
I would shove up your butt
a hamster named Dean.
I'd make you a trach tube,
insert with my thumb
After prepping the area
with wine from a bum.
Then I'd shit down your throat
in this brand new tube,
And sodomize you well
while using no lube.
I'd tear out your toenails
one by one by one;
But suppose I got bored
and thought "That's no fun."
I might cut out your tongue
but only the tip,
And then mock you like mad
because of your lithp;
As you plead for "Merthy!"
and cry out in pain,
But for you I'd have none
but purest disdain.
For you coward, you fraud,
you purulent cunt,
You just wrecked my new car
and then off you runned.
And so now I owe twice
what my car is worth
All thanks to your trimming
of its front-end girth.
Oh, the things I would do
If I could find you;
Oh, if I could find you,
the things I would do.
Alas, you are long gone
my car's fucked and worse -
I've got nothing but rage
and this page of verse.

what could he possibly have to forget?

2009-05-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

This one's from a trip to Houston for an Astros game. It serves as an example of my dad's persistent road rage. All his sons acquired some of it, Ojo probably the least, but we've all more or less grown out of it. Not so my dad. He is just as likely to utter this line today as he was 20 years ago. The only difference is that now he might expound on the underlying problem a little. "People in this country don't know how to queue."

a lot of birthdays to keep track of

2009-04-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

This is another quote directed at Jessie. (Remember to read that as JehhsIEEEE.)

I can't remember how she came up in the conversation. I think she had recently barged in on a family event as is her wont and a couple days later my dad and I had gone to Mamaw and Pawpaw's for something and were driving home together. Dad started talking about Jessie's flaws and quirks, describing her mountains of videotaped soap operas and her herd of semi-tame cats. He mentioned that she was bad with money but that she had enough from a trust fund of sorts that she should never want. The problem, he felt, wasn't that she would outspend her means. No, the problem was that she couldn't be bothered to take the trust fund check mailed to her home, endorse it, and take it to the bank for deposit so she could use that money. The way he put it was, "She can't decide whether to eat another twinkie or deposit her check so she can pay bills. That's a big decision for her." I'm certain that's almost a direct quote from a fairly meaningless conversation 20 years ago. Be careful what you say around your kids, they remember the most random shit.

Looking to the future

2009-04-25T20:44:00.003-05:00

Here's the leading candidate for the redesign of what this space will become in the next couple months. I've got an idea what I'm going to do. It won't be as light-hearted, but hopefully it will be as useful to me as this year has been.

Why

2009-04-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Changed up the format for this one because the quote was so long. I thought about just using "You know he ain't clean!" but ultimately liked this way.

Recently I was home and the subject of eating at my grandparents' came up. For some reason my parents, especially my mom -- but dad, too, have always had a hangup about eating at my grandparents' home. I will probably never figure out what the reason was years ago, but I have a clue as to why my dad resists it currently. His dad, my grandfather, has gotten infirm at an accelerated pace the last few years. He can't raise his arms above his head, he can't turn his neck, he's nearly blind from glaucoma and macular degeneration, he's only not deaf in comparison to his wife, and he's got some mild cognitive impairment. Also my grandmother has chronic pain issues and probable psychiatric problems, so he is doing most of the cooking and putting away of food. According to my dad, Pawpaw no longer has the strength or dexterity to use utensils for putting food away, so all the turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes, brisket, and green beans get picked up in his bare hand and tossed into a container that he assumes is clean (because he can't see for himself).
Anyway, while I was home we were trying to plan out the next day's events and the subject of eating at Mamaw and Pawpaw's came up. Dad put on uber-disgust face and uttered, "I will not eat there, ever." I laughed and asked why. The response is above, delivered with the disgust turned up to 11. My favorite part is the end where you have to imagine why this former physician wouldn't be clean. It gets a lot less funny when you realize it can only be because he either can't move his arms enough to get to the soap and water, he's too blind or otherwise sensorally impaired to find the soap and water, or he's too demented to remember to wash his damn hands after he wipes his ass -- if he can reach his asshole in the first place.
God this post went depressing on me in a hurry. I miss playing Scrabble with Pawpaw. I miss it a lot.

counting down

2009-04-15T21:02:00.002-05:00

Down to just three more posts to write to complete the cycle of 52. I've got 47 up already, and two in the hopper. I've got another two already started. That leaves just the ultimate post, and I already know what it's going to be. I've really enjoyed this blog, and I'm going to miss it.

what's coal?

2009-04-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm disappointed in the strip for this quote, but I got tired of trying to find a better one. I've usually been able to find a strip where the quote fits or adds some sort of absurdist humor to the situation, and where the original punchline gives a twist to the quote itself as the title. This one just makes no sense, sorry.

On to the story.

For a few years my family and those of two of my dad's high school buddies would crash my grandparents' vacation home for a week or so. The males would all go fishing balls early, come back smelling of dead shrimp and beer around 1p.m. and take a nap. Then around 5 they'd fire up the pit for dinner and start pounding beers again. I typically spent the day either stretched out on the porch swing reading Louis L'Amour or Douglas Adams or with my mom over at Grandma's.
At least two or three days of the week (often more) the men would curtail the morning fishing and we'd head out to either Sunday Beach on Matagorda Island or Decros Point. Sunday Beach was seeing more traffic and I think we were looking to change things up a little, so this time we went to Decros.
We had the place to ourselves. It was like heaven. Gulf of Mexico rolling in, just enough wave action to body surf a few feet, hot sun, cool wet sand (and scorching hot dry sand further back), and no interlopers. It starts to get close to lunch time, which means that probably 20 beers and two packs of cigarettes had been consumed among my dad and his friends. My dad had been walking the beach looking for rocks or fishing from the beach or something. The rest of us were chilling on lawn chairs waiting for lunch after frolicking in the surf for a couple hours. We saw another boat come up and choose the spot 200 feet from us out of the several miles of open beach available to them.
I think there were three or four people. The guys were wearing cutoffs and baseball caps with motor oil stains on them over their dirty blonde mullets. Shortly after they started unloading their coolers of Natural Light my dad wandered up. "Who are these Seadrift-looking shitheads?" he asked in tone suggesting interlopers were not welcome in his domain. I think either they left or we did shortly thereafter.

As an aside for those who may not be well-apprised of the local bay community hierarchy, Seadrift is a town on the intercoastal waterway much like Port O'Connor, only dirtier and with more Vietnamese immigrants (two unrelated qualities, I'm pretty sure). Now, in full disclosure, most of my knowledge of the hierarchy stems from my cousins based in Port O'Connor. What they tell me is that Port Lavaca fancies itself the top, followed by Seadrift and Port O'Connor in no particular order. Port O'Connor considers itself above Seadrift, and Seadrift seems to disagree. According to them, POC folk are Bay Rats, Port Lavacans are Wharf Rats, and Seadrifters are just Rats. I think this view informed my dad's comment, and, Will Waghorne notwithstanding, I think it's probably correct.

2009-04-07T20:24:00.004-05:00

due to my getting pulled to cover stroke last month I haven't completed the post for this week. regular posting to resume next week. because afraidtofail, like jesus, will rise from the dead next week. for now, content yourself with these awesome pictures and imagine the blog posts he'll someday write about me.

THERE is an ultimatum

2009-04-01T00:00:00.003-05:00

After I graduated from Baylor and found a job, it didn't take long to realize I was going to end up suicidal if I continued to be a generic drone. I started weighing my options. Fortunately, I had done well in school and still had most higher education doors open to me. I briefly considered law school. I had worked for a pretty cool attorney in Waco and even took the LSAT (cold turkey, with the flu, in a room full of cocksuckers -- miserable experience), but I knew lawyering wasn't my bag.
I then considered healthcare. I was pre-med when I started college but fell off the wagon somewhere along the way. I think it was shortly after my American Romantics course but before I tried to read every word written by Hemingway. It may have coincided with the borderline alcoholism and onset of 6 years of depression wrought by my ex-girlfriend's mind-fucking of me. (Don't blame her, my mind's a slut. It gets fucked by just about anything.)
Now that I had experienced something that made Dilbert real to me, medicine had a brighter appeal. I still thought of the whole medical school bit as a trifle cliche, however, so I was looking for something related but more interesting. I'd always loved genetics. Turns out there is an entire clinical field known as "genetic counseling". I found the American Genetic Counselor's Association website and tracked down some practicing GC's and even got to sit in on a few patient visits. It was very cool, and I was sold.
Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of genetic counseling programs out there. Or at least, there weren't at that time. Most of the programs that are out there only take one to three applicants per year for their two-year program. Wow. I applied to about 15 programs and got two interview offers. I only ended up taking one of them. It was to Sarah Lawrence College in New York. Yonkers to be exact. This was the largest and oldest program in the country. I had a decent shot at getting in since they took like 12 applicants per year.
My interview went really well, and I was awaiting my financial aid report from them. I was talking to my dad about my plans. He and my mom, being risk-averse as mentioned before, thought my plan to go off to New York for school was foolish. But they hadn't tasted the pirogi and wine that Summer and I had on my interview trip. I digress.
One of the objections my dad raised to the notion of sending one of his Grays up to the Yankees for a couple years was that he had never even heard of this school. I guess it's not exactly Notre Dame, but Sarah Lawrence is pretty well-known to educated folk. I mean, it got name-dropped by JD Salinger, for Christ's sake. (In Franny and Zooey, I think, but don't hold me to that.)
It became a moot point when I realized I was looking at adding at least $50Grrr in debt to potentially qualify for jobs that paid $35k/yr. Ultimately I am my father's son and I just couldn't pull the trigger on that deal. Which is how I ended up the world's most bitter neurology resident. Maybe if my dad were a bigger Salinger fan none of that would have happened.

More like copper

2009-03-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

My dad could be described as financially conservative. If you were trying to win Understatement of the Year. Very averse to risk and debt, he and my mom didn't buy much extra when we were kids. All their friends had boats and nice cars and whatnot, but they didn't care. In fact they scoffed at all these people "living beyond their means".
One time, not too long ago, Ojo asked dad about this philosophy versus the spend-spend-spend philosophy. His question was basically, at what point does denying yourself these things become worth it in comparison to those who were buying things when they wanted them rather than waiting for the time they could afford them. Dad's answer was pretty glum. "If you're us, it never pays off." My dad, Eeyore the mortgage lender.

my brain doesn't mind at all

2009-03-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

About a year ago my dad called me. This has happened probably 8 times since I moved out of his house 13 years ago. Anyway, he was calling because he had a medical question. It turns out his doctor had recently started him on a medicine to reduce his cholesterol. Those medicines can potentially damage your liver and doctors usually warn patients about drinking while taking them. So my dad calls and asks how bad it would be. I told him somewhere between no problem and fulminant liver failure where his only hope would be solid organ transplant but that it was probably okay. I mean, millions of people are on these medications and I bet most of them drink a beer every now and then.

You think you're pretty smart

2009-03-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Snake will hopefully fill in some details on this one, because it's a great story when he tells it. Snake was, I'm guessing, a sophomore in high school, probably 5'9", 120. My dad was working on a car, it might even have been the Datsun 280-Z of Farquar fame, and he needed some help. He had to get to a really tight spot underneath the engine to replace something structural on this car. In order to do this he had rigged a chain around the engine, yes the whole engine, that ran through a pulley. The idea was that Snake would lift this 800 pound engine into the air while my dad worked on replacing the part, his head position for certain death should his youngest son prove not up to the task. Anyway, I actually wish I could have seen the expression on Snake's face when he heard dad say, "You hold this engine up ... " I mean, you thought giving him the wrong size socket was a capitol offense? Try death and/or complete cranial dismemberment. At his most bitter moment I think I've heard Snake refer to this as a missed opportunity.

It's nice to see what's going on

2009-03-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

After Ojo moved on to college and was out of the house for a few years tensions between dad and him really eased up. They were able to relax a little and share certain joys of life, like cigarettes. One night when Ojo was home visiting he and dad went to the back porch to smoke. Ojo hadn't yet gotten his best Christmas gift ever, or maybe he was just out of Zippo fluid. At any rate, he asked my dad for a match. To which my dad replied, far too quickly, "My ass and your face. That's a match." Ojo was stunned by this middle-school sweet burn.

a pretty face

2009-02-25T00:00:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty sure this comes from our trip to the San Antonio zoo when we were kids. I remember two things about this trip: 1. It ended in a deluge with us taking shelter under an interstate overpass like a bunch of Katrina refugees; 2. This quote. We were going through the primate exhibit when we got to a baboon cage. My dad says, pretty loudly, "That monkey's got a bad case of redass!" My mom was embarassed, but we laughed our asses off at that.

Don't say it!

2009-02-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

Married men seem to be almost required to have a friend of whom their wives, and in ssome cases society at large, disapprove. James Record is probably that guy for Ojo. Will Waghorne will be that guy for Snake. Snake is that guy for me.* And Jackie Farquar (spelling?) was that guy for my dad.
White trash, redneck, lousy, choad-nibbling meth-addict is too kind a description. One time dad went out with Jackie and came back with a broke-down 1970-something Datsun 280-Z. It sat in his garage for months, brewing a rift in my parents marriage with every passing day. My dad eventually triumphed by getting the piece of crap running pretty good with a new paint job. I think he got to drive it about three times total.
Anyway, one of the last times dad hung out with Jackie and his band of redneck roughians they were out in somebody's pasture tossing back Milwaukee's Best or Natural Light, maybe a couple Bud Lights that dad took himself. I imagine there was a bonfire, or at least a little campfire fueled by ample lighter fluid from a bottle placed far too close to the pit. The stars were probably stark in the country brightness, with a 3/4 moon shining down so everything was just visible without a flashlight. One guy in his second-best flannel hunting shirt (the red one) asks if anybody needs one while he digs his 13th brew out of the ice-chest. A chorus of affirmation rings out into the still night. Somebody farts. The men laugh.
Then the BBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!! of a high-powered semi-automatic weapon rips the night apart.
Now, my dad used to love to start his morning picking off gophers with a .22 from the back porch, but I'm not sure he was down with military-grade arms. When he told the story about his last night out ever with Jackie Farquar he ended with this quote. "Uzis, buddy. That's how they party."

I apologize for nothing

2009-02-17T20:27:00.003-06:00

Sorry for no post last week. I spent 10 days wallowing in the throes of swine flu. Or lymphoma. The jury's still out. I recovered just in time to start working my skinny ass off for people who don't give a shit. I'll have a post tomorrow and should get back on track after that. BTW, there have been 39 posts to date, so only twelve more to go. Two are in the bag and there's only 10 left. It's getting down to it.

Also, read the title of this post in the voice of Norman Dale.

I'm having my regular ...

2009-02-04T00:00:00.001-06:00

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was running out of stories to go with the best quotes. I'm not even sure this is a direct quote. If it is I think it was said to Snake, possibly on the roof of the Bay House. It may just be the cursory paraphrase of my dad's self-image that we've all adopted over the years, however. Snake and Ojo are once again called on to fill the gaps.

and how do i cure...

2009-01-28T00:00:00.001-06:00

This is one of the all time greatest stand-alone quotes in dad's canon. I could hide behind that fact, but the truth is, the awesomeness of this quote has whitewashed the surrounding story from my mind. Ojo or Snake will have to fill us in.

nobody laughs

2009-01-21T00:00:00.001-06:00

No real story for this one either. Just a favorite expression. I've never really understood what it meant. I could imagine it meaning something along the lines of "don't bother with the hypothetical." Sort of like "If a frog had a glass ass it wouldn't jump so high." Just even more vulgar: "If I could shit fire I wouldn't have to buy matches, but I can't shit fire so why think about it? Just go buy matches. Take it in the ass and move on down the road."

They don't say much

2009-01-14T00:00:00.001-06:00

Another one without a single story that stands out to me. I like this quote, however, because it exemplifies how dad expressed his affection for his kids. Now that I have kids I realize that dad must have been overwhelmed with pride and love for us. But this is the most he could say out loud.

Afraidtofail's call for submissions

2009-01-07T21:03:00.005-06:00

I'm getting down to some of the quotes I've been avoiding writing about because I either never knew or can't remember the genesis. So I'm wondering if the readership would like to do some audience participation. (Especially since, contrary to my original concept of the absurd humor of pairinc Charles Schultz and Dad, people seem to mostly enjoy the back-stories.)
I've got quotes lined up for the next four posts but two of them are generic phrases Dad tosses about all the time and two I can't think of how they came up. Let me know in the comments or by email if you want to take a crack at this.
Payment is thirty-two rimjobs a word.

Incidentally, I just counted and we've had 36 posts with quotes from dad so far. There are only 16 left to get to my goal of one-per-week for a year. I've only missed two weeks so far, which far exceeds my expectations, honestly. I just looked through the list and I've got plenty of quotes written down, but only about 13 or 14 really good ones. If you've got any quotes that haven't been featured yet you could also email me or put them in the comments.
No payment for quote suggestions. Okay okay. One rimjob per quote, but that's it.

There's something symbolic

2009-01-07T00:00:00.000-06:00

Another one that only Snake had the honor of witnessing. I think I was a freshman at Baylor when this one happened. Snake was outside playing basketball and my dad was in the garage working on something. I'm not sure what he was doing but I know it involved a hammer because Snake saw him hit his thumb and jerk it up, squeezing it with his other hand like a cartoon character. The only thing missing was the giant, red, pulsating thumb. It sounds like it looked pretty funny. Snake thought so, too, and laughed.
Dad did not appreciate the humor of the situation. His response to Snake was the scowling, "You think that's funny? Why don't you come over here and let me hit you with a hammer. See how you like it."

What I say, I mean. What I mean, I say.

2008-12-31T00:00:00.000-06:00

This hails from my day of truancy as a sophomore in high school. My grandparents lived a couple blocks from my high school. They went out of town, so Roy and I hatched a plan to skip school for the day. After our parents dropped us off we had our friend Ross drive us the three blocks and then we used my grandparents' hidden house key. Ross had the good sense to go back to school.
Roy's older brother was going to call in pretending to be my dad to get my absence excused. I don't think anybody could have gotten ahold of Roy's parents that day for some reason. At least, I don't remember the plan involving anyone calling in for Roy.
I don't think we really knew what we were supposed to do with our freedom. We had this big ass house full of liquor and cigarettes at our disposal, but we just drank Cokes, played pool, and watched TV in the game room. Until my Aunt Ann came by the house.
When I heard the car pulling into the carport I slapped the TV off, hollered, "Dude, we're fucked. Run!" to Roy, and took off. We skidded past the kitchen just as she was fitting her key into the door. Luckily the shades were down. By the time she was inside were huddled together in a closet upstairs. I'm pretty sure I know what Anne Frank felt like. [Kidding! Geez.]
The hiding spot was perfect because Ann had no reason to come upstairs and she would probably not have looked in the closet anyway. It was less than perfect because we couldn't hear her movements downstairs or see her car to know when she left. So we sat around the closet smelling Roy's farts for what was probably ten minutes but felt like five hours. After that we were still too scared to go downstairs but we decided to at least check out the upstairs bedroom.
We found some of my Uncle Pete's (I assume) old shorts and T-shirts with the sleeves ripped off. We changed into these clothes in what now seems like kind of a gay decision. I think the clothes change reminded me that I had forgotten socks to wear to the Y after school. (I would go to the Y with Wes Tumlinson between school letting out and driver's ed starting.) So I called my mom at home to see if she could bring some socks for me to the Y.
"Hey, mom."
"Matt, where are you?"
"Uh, I'm at school."
"No, you're not, Matt. The school just called me looking for you. Where are you?"
"Uh, I'm at Mamaw and Pawpaw's."
"Well, you're dad's on his way over there right now."
At this point I'm waving frantically at Roy to get our stuff and leave. "Uh...uh...bye, mom."
We grab our bags and school clothes and take off toward school. We decided to run along the railroad tracks instead of on the road in case my dad was driving by. We changed clothes as we ran, pulling on polos over our pilfered ripped tees. Our English teacher saw us walking up to the football field as he was walking home for lunch. He nodded and said nothing.
We went straight to the office to turn ourselves in. I was in full-on panic mode. My heart rate was probably 200. I was scared, but I was pissed too. I thought Roy's brother had me covered, but it seemed he had fucked me. When I checked in with the secretary, however, they didn't bat an eye. "Oh, you were sick but now you're feeling better? Okay then. Go on to lunch and have a good day." Seriously? That's how easy this shit was? Turned out Dwayne had called in for me but only after they had called my mom. I don't remember what Roy told them, but he got off pretty easy too. Hell, Roy used to go to the sick room and make out with his girlfriend so he was practically a pro at this shit.
I spent the rest of the day imagining the various ways my dad was going to inflict pain on me. I seriously thought he was going to beat. that. ass. I had never done anything like this and was sure this would be the end of me. If I survived at all it would be as a crippled shell of what I had been. Of this, and only this, I was certain. Classmates were genuinely concerned for my safety. One girl told me the next day she almost called the cops for me because I was so worried she thought my dad might actually murder me.
Anyway, I don't remember much of the rest of that day. I know that at the beginning of religion class, when we always said prayers and intentions, somebody prayed for me not to get killed. I know that my mom didn't really talk to me at the Y and that I did go to driver's ed. I know that my dad was really late to come pick me up, giving me an extra few minutes to dream up methods of torture he could use.
Finally, he arrived. I got in the car and we didn't go anywhere. We just sat in the parking lot, listening to each other breathe heavily. One in fear, one in anger. Finally my dad said VERY calmly, "Why do you think you don't have to go to school? You can't just choose not to go to school. I have to go to work. I can't just choose not to go to work." And that was basically it. I was almost more embarassed that nothing happened when I went to school the next day than I would have been if he'd smacked me around a bit. But his approach worked. I never cut school again.

REAL ESTATE!

2008-12-24T00:00:00.005-06:00

My mom insists on a detailed Christmas list every year. I don't really like this practice as I'd rather the gift be something the giver thought I'd like. Even as a kid I never really made a Christmas list. I don't think Ojo or Snake did either. Maybe it's because we were inundated with so many gifts we couldn't imagine wanting more. After Ojo's traumatic Christmas of '87 or '88, though, things changed.
He was in sixth or seventh grade. My parents knew he'd sort of out-grown G.I. Joe but weren't sure what the equivalent gift for an adolescent boy was.

They chose poorly.

Had they been reading a Zork choose-your-own-adventure book, they would have descended into the well and been eaten by a grue. That year Santa Claus gave Ojo a globe and a desk lamp.
The next year Ojo implemented a strict policy of gifts-from-the-list, and the list was cross-referenced to the exact page and item numbers in the J.Crew catalog. After that my parents came to completely rely on lists, not wanting to risk putting their own thought into getting the wrong gift for one of us. It soon spread to their gifts for each other.
One year my dad saw the exact electric drill he wanted at Sears. He gave my mom a picture, a serial number, the location on the shelf in aisle 32 at Sears. He was very clear about which electric drill he wanted. And he really, really wanted it. Like official-Red-Ryder-carbine-action-two-hundred-shot-range-model-air-rifle wanted it.
And my mom got it for him.
On Christmas morning we all opened our presents and then Mom and Dad opened theirs. Dad opened his up and began with a beaming patented guttural, "All riiiieeeght," and finished with a trademark scowl, "This ain't it, dammit." My mom was crushed but insisted she had gotten him exactly what he'd asked for. Dad quickly backed off on the disappointment so as not to ruin Christmas, but his disappointment was clear. It was as if that close-but-not-quite drill had shot his eye out.*

* To Ojo and Snake, I'm aware that the drill story probably predates the desk lamp and globe by about three years but it sounded better this way to me.

[awkward silence]

2008-12-18T00:00:00.003-06:00

This is yet another quote I know only from hearsay, but I've always liked it. To have a passing familiarity with my dad is to trust that he does not sit around at home in a recliner communing with the spirits of Motown. To really know the man, however, is to have seen him kicked back in his dead grandmother's orange recliner full of jelly beans, a beer in his lap, his eyes closed, letting the velvet tones of Marvin Gaye and Al Greene wash over him. Snake happened to be present during one of these episodes. I don't think Dad knew he was there or maybe he just didn't care. At any rate, he's sitting there engrossed in the rhythm and blues and says out loud to the ghost of Marvin Gaye and his own passing youth, "Sing it, brother."

P.S. Make sure you tune in next week for the famous afraidtofail Christmas special!

we're experiencing technical difficulties

2008-12-16T21:50:00.004-06:00

Below is how far I got on a post about me fucking up my computer before I realized nobody cares. Anyway, fucked up computer and internet problems are why there's no post today. I'll get a new post up tomorrow and resume weekly Wednesday posting next week. And just to include a quote from dad, "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK." (You have to imagine me jumping up and down like a two year-old screaming that to get the whole effect.)
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I don't know dick about computers. The only thing I know is that armed with enough patience and obsessiveness you can figure out any goddamn thing with google. So of course when AT&T fucked up my phone and internet service last Friday, effectively cutting me off from my only source of knowledge and insight, I took it upon myself to try a complex change to my home desktop.

A few words about my computer. I bought the cheapest new computer I could find about 7 months ago. I doesn't have bad specs to my eyes, 2GHz Pentium Duo processor, 1Gb RAM, but it did come with Vista as the OS. Vista requires GREAT specs to run modestly well. Even after following every tip on the internet for improving the performance of Vista it still sucked up too much processing power to allow me to smoothly use the vector and bitmap imaging editors I like. This pissed me off and I wanted to try going back to XP.

Here's the problem: I knew Lenovo didn't include drivers for XP on my computer. I wasn't sure I wanted to risk dumping Vista in favor of an outdated OS, and I wasn't sure I had the skillset to pull off the change and end up with a functioning machine.

After consulting the hive mind I decided that a dual boot system, while slightly more complex, was probably the safer way to go, because in the end I'd at least have Vista to fall back on. I've been wanting to do this for months, but was always a little scared to try it. I've even had my hard disk partitioned this whole time but was just too scared to pull the trigger.

Well, when AT&T collapsed I decided the thing to do was attempt to set up my dual boot without the benefit of an active internet connection in case things went bad. To quote my dad, "Me fucky uppy."

I successfully loaded XP and it worked, sort of. I couldn't get it to recognize my DSL modem. Not to big a deal since the internet was dead to me anyway. I rebooted hoping to get back into Vista. No dice. Never got the option I was looking for on the boot screen.

I load the Vista recovery disc that came with my computer and reboot. Let's see, the instructions say to select repair system when the disc loads, huh, okay don't see that option. I'll just hit next and
OVERWRITE MY ENTIRE SETUP ELIMINATING ALL THE SOFTWARE I HAD INSTALLED SINCE PURCHASING THIS POS.

Okay, no big deal, I'll just get all that software back when the internet connection is up again.

2008-12-08T06:35:00.001-06:00

sorry, no post this week. Will try and resume next week.

I'm living in a stacked deck

2008-12-03T00:00:00.002-06:00

Yet another one that's simply a favorite expression of my dad's. I remember often hearing this during Cowboys football games.

Then they just lay there and burn

2008-11-26T00:00:00.001-06:00

This is from a story much better told by Ojo. (Why does it seem like I'm always saying that?) At any rate, the short version of this story is that my dad, Ojo, our grandfather, and our younger cousin were out fishing when a nasty storm blew in. (Robo and his dad may have been with them as well, I'm not sure.) Initially my dad thought they could just outrun the stormfront and keep fishing as the storm blew ashore behind them. It didn't take long, however, for him to recognize that this storm was a) bigger than he thought, b) faster than he thought, and c) moving a different direction than he thought.
At this point he decided to just find a spot where the boat was least likely to sustain damage and drop anchor to ride out the storm. Everyone's getting drenched, freezing in the 30+ mph winds, and getting scared of all the lightning tearing through the sky. My younger cousin was hunkered down under the console narrating all the problems that faced them: "The wind's getting stronger. The waves are getting higher. The rain's getting harder."

Those who know Ojo are probably not surprised to hear that he was not a big fan of the strategy of entrusting their fates to the mercy of Mother Nature. So he wanted to come up with a better plan and asked dad, "What happens if that lightning strikes the boat?" To which dad replied, matter-of-factly, "Well, if that happens, we all die." Instant classic, only, of course, because they did not have to put that prediction to the test.

And a little bit nauseating

2008-11-19T00:00:00.001-06:00

My dad just said this a lot. Not sure why. I guess he was a big Tarzan fan as a kid. My aunts all talk about him running around saying this whenever they'd have friends over.

Now my head is going to hurt the rest of the day

2008-11-12T00:00:00.002-06:00

My dad actually ripped this off from my mom's dad. Legend has it my alcoholic grandfather would sit on the side of the bed rueing whatever his latest transgression was and mutter "I'm a sorry sumbitch."

Life is full of disappointments

2008-11-05T00:00:00.001-06:00

This is a recent one detailed on my other blog here.

Maybe I taste better than you

2008-10-29T00:00:00.005-05:00

My dad thinks farts are funny. Always has. Always will. At some point my mom gave up, but when we were kids she would gently chastise him for being disgusting whenever he'd let one rip. His response was always the same, "What do you want me to do, blow up?" He really sold the sincerity of his question with his intonation and demeanor, as if he actually thought he might explode if he didn't relieve the pressure within his bowels through flatulence.

I'll just go back to bed

2008-10-22T00:00:00.001-05:00

I was in college when I first noticed my parents start saying this. I can't imagine that my mom came up with it, so I'm assigning the genesis to my dad. Basically whenever they are concerned about some social issue like not dressing appropriately for an occasion, they end the discussion by saying "You know what we say."

And what they say is, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

I learned that in their hotel room in Waco as they were getting dressed for my Phi Beta Kappa induction. A little yin for that yang as it were.

I've never had one fall on me

2008-10-15T00:00:00.003-05:00

This one really requires audio to do it justice, but oh well.

Jessie is this unfortunate soul who was born into a body too hideous for society to accept. She grew up across the street from my dad and still lives across from my grandparents. Apparently she was friends with my dad and his sisters until around middle school, when being a freakish mutant can be damaging to one's social standing.

So they stopped hanging out with her about 45 years ago. But she never got the hint. She still waddles over to my grandparents whenever she sees an extra car or two parked out front. Once I was parked out front of my grandparents with my girlfriend, making out at 11 o'clock at night when she comes shining a flashlight in on us. I think Ojo and Snake have had similar experiences.

Anyway, whenever she pops in on family occasions things get awkward because no one wants her there but everyone is too polite to tell her to go away. (Except for me, I just don't tell her because she's batshit crazy and I'm afraid tipping her the wrong direction could end with one or both of my grandparents being "hobbled".) Eventually she tires of the giant voids in the conversation her presence creates and leaves. Then the jokes start. My dad is by no means alone in the cruel humor directed at this poor wretch. Most of my aunts and uncles have a go, and my grandfather almost never misses a chance. If anything my dad is more tame than most in his zingers. But he always says her name this way, like a narrator revealing some unspeakable horror.

how can you sleep nights

2008-10-08T00:00:00.003-05:00

One night my mom went out, leaving Ojo, me, and Snake with my dad for the night. It was a great night. We played Yahtzee and had Sara Lee pound cake with spray on whipped cream. Snake layed the whipped cream on pretty damn thick, making an eight-inch-tall spire of bleached corn syrupy goodness. My dad saw it start to tip over and called out "Tiiiimberrr!" For some reason we thought that was some funny shit. It doesn't seem that funny now, but that night remains one of my best memories with Dad.

fascinated by failure

2008-10-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

As part of a wedding present from my mom to my then-fiance, my mom went through all the pictures she had of me, from age zero to present. My parents were visiting a couple years ago and my mom found the album she had given my wife. She started talking about how it felt going through all those old pictures. "I thought Dad was going to lay down and cry," she said, implying that my dad was so touched by memories of my youth that he was nigh overcome with emotion.
I think my dad was a little embarassed at this disclosure of his emotional state. So he replied with "Made me want to lay down and DIE." The implication of which I'm still not quite sure.

I'll have to admit that sounds logical

2008-09-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

Again, in case there is some lingering doubt among those who don't know my dad -- direct quote. This one was actually said to Snake. I'm pretty sure it was after I was in college and had to do with taking out the garbage or some such petty chore. Perhaps Snake can fill in the details for us.

the proverbial clean slate

2008-09-17T00:00:00.004-05:00

Another gem from the peak Port O'Connor days. I don't think this one came from a holiday weekend, but at age nine or so I wasn't always cataloging details correctly. Anyway, again, it's the end of the weekend and my family is left to clean up my grandparents' bay house after all the other families have left. My dad is putting beach shoes and the like in their place on the back porch and notices some kid's underwear on the ground. He picked it up and noticed an unexpected heft. He took a quick glance inside the underoos and confirmed his suspicion. Then, with a look of absolute disbelief, he turned to Ojo and said, "There's shit in there."

I've always thought that was a funny story, but as I got older I found it less amusing. Turns out those underoos belonged to my cousin JT who had some continence issues as a small kid when his parents were getting divorced. Kind of sucks that I wasn't more sensitive to that back then.

I couldn't deny it

2008-09-10T00:00:00.002-05:00

More than any other I wish I had been present for this one. Unfortunately the only witness was one of my cousins (can't recall if it was Aterill or Le-ee). Whichever cousin it was was living with my parents while going to VC. Only she and my dad were home one day and my dad was doing some handyman work in the attic. I'm not sure if he was trying to repair some general electrical problem or messing with the air conditioner in some way, but the result was a shock and dimming of the lights followed by my dad silently backing down the attic ladder. He walked wordlessly past my cousin, sitting in fearful silence on the living room couch, to the kitchen telephone. He punched seven digits to ring up KB's dad (the owner of the company that installed the AC) and after a few seconds says, in a perfectly businesslike voice, "James, this is John. Me fucky-uppee." My cousin erupted in laughter. So do I every time I picture this.

more than just the least

2008-09-03T00:00:00.002-05:00

Again, I wasn't personally present for this one. My brother Ojo has relayed the story of this quote on his blog, which draws its name from the same conversation as this quote. He mentions it here, but since his accursed blog lacks the basics of a search function and maintains only incomplete archives, you'll have to wait for his comment for the full story.

you're looking at me with blank eyes

2008-08-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

Some of my dad's classic lines are from good times playing board games. When playing yatzhee, if anyone managed to get 5 of a kind, a "yatzhee", my dad would let loose this prolonged skreech in celebration. As kids we thought it was hilarious. As an adult I wonder why my mom didn't throw away the Yatzhee box.

incidentally, why do you always have to...

2008-08-20T00:00:00.001-05:00

A quote from our Yatzhee games with Dad. Because the game revolves around rolling dice, my dad would inevitably start singing the Rawhide theme song. At some point Snake got tired of hearing Rawhide, so he would retaliate by trying to sing over Dad. Snake would sing a song he made up about our younger cousin Sean entitled "Seaner is a cool dude". My dad hated that.